(no subject)

Are you sure you want fic commentaries?
I've read a few and they're interesting and intriguing and I love writers' minds. And I started mine for Shades Of and god, I'm boring and can't analyse or anything to save my life. No wonder English was my weak subject and as much as I wanted to do it, I would have failed law. I just can't put the words together in any sort of order that makes sense and is interesting and preferably at the same time.
What I wouldn't give to be eloquent.

(no subject)

Are you sure you want fic commentaries?
I've read a few and they're interesting and intriguing and I love writers' minds. And I started mine for Shades Of and god, I'm boring and can't analyse or anything to save my life. No wonder English was my weak subject and as much as I wanted to do it, I would have failed law. I just can't put the words together in any sort of order that makes sense and is interesting and preferably at the same time.
What I wouldn't give to be eloquent.

My albatross

I need to get this down somewhere before I explode. It's choppy and mangled, but maybe it might help to give perspective or probably just depress me more.

I'm feeling guilty for all the procrastination over the damn article and it not being quite finished and I just have no discipline to get something over and done with when people are waiting on me. I'm just so tired of my thesis, I want to move on from it but I'm still stuck in those years which I so want to forget. I want to move on, but I can't find a job so I can move on. But I'm dragging out the stress and the pain by procrastinating.

I'm not going to get a job by the time I'm 30, I'm not suitable for anything and I've wasted the last decade of my life. What the hell am I qualified for?

I should've gone back to the counsellor a month ago, but I can't. I should be able to do this myself, I should be able to just go out without feeling sick. I know everything about panic, how it works, why it happens. I should be able to control it myself. If I can't do it myself, how is he going to help control it? I know all my faults, I'm a procrastinator, I'm scared of failure and success, I'm a control freak. I know all this, so how is someone else going to be able to stop it?

A month or two ago I felt like I'd started a new chapter, things were going to be different, I was going to be well and successful and achieve and strive.
Now I'm back in the old chapter and I can't see any new chapter as being an achieveable reality. I hate it here but I can't see a way out. And I hate myself for being that weak.

I need sleep.

ETA:
But I'm not going to yet. Going to get this article done now even if it means an all nighter.
And why I procrastinate? Because I need to get every step from beginning to end perfect in my head before I can even start. And of course that's next to impossible, so I put it off and off until I have no choice but to do it in one night. And the stress and guilt kills me.

My albatross

I need to get this down somewhere before I explode. It's choppy and mangled, but maybe it might help to give perspective or probably just depress me more.

I'm feeling guilty for all the procrastination over the damn article and it not being quite finished and I just have no discipline to get something over and done with when people are waiting on me. I'm just so tired of my thesis, I want to move on from it but I'm still stuck in those years which I so want to forget. I want to move on, but I can't find a job so I can move on. But I'm dragging out the stress and the pain by procrastinating.

I'm not going to get a job by the time I'm 30, I'm not suitable for anything and I've wasted the last decade of my life. What the hell am I qualified for?

I should've gone back to the counsellor a month ago, but I can't. I should be able to do this myself, I should be able to just go out without feeling sick. I know everything about panic, how it works, why it happens. I should be able to control it myself. If I can't do it myself, how is he going to help control it? I know all my faults, I'm a procrastinator, I'm scared of failure and success, I'm a control freak. I know all this, so how is someone else going to be able to stop it?

A month or two ago I felt like I'd started a new chapter, things were going to be different, I was going to be well and successful and achieve and strive.
Now I'm back in the old chapter and I can't see any new chapter as being an achieveable reality. I hate it here but I can't see a way out. And I hate myself for being that weak.

I need sleep.

ETA:
But I'm not going to yet. Going to get this article done now even if it means an all nighter.
And why I procrastinate? Because I need to get every step from beginning to end perfect in my head before I can even start. And of course that's next to impossible, so I put it off and off until I have no choice but to do it in one night. And the stress and guilt kills me.

Thank you

Thank you so much for your support and words of wisdom.
I do want to reply to each of you, and will soon, I'm just not quite up to it right at the moment.
I'm feeling a bit better, but my brain needs to untangle itself a little and I think I need a good cry.


On a totally different note, everytime I hear this line I think it's a CJ fic:
Women don't get older, just a deeper shade of red
I need to do something with it.
So adore Melissa Manchester.

Thank you

Thank you so much for your support and words of wisdom.
I do want to reply to each of you, and will soon, I'm just not quite up to it right at the moment.
I'm feeling a bit better, but my brain needs to untangle itself a little and I think I need a good cry.


On a totally different note, everytime I hear this line I think it's a CJ fic:
Women don't get older, just a deeper shade of red
I need to do something with it.
So adore Melissa Manchester.