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Oct. 24th, 2004 04:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
krazykitkatI'm going to try and be a little brave and release my very first fanfic that has only been read by a few people.
It's Babylon 5, Susan-centric, with a dash of Susan/Marcus. This is essentially the first draft with just some minor edits. I had a wonderful B5 list person edit it way back when, but I never got around to fixing it up due to life imploding. And by the time I was semi-stable again, I didn't have the heart to do it.
So please excuse the many problems: passive sentences, head hopping povs, too much "tell", abstract narrative, awkward auxiliary verb constructions, not up close and personal enough. And some parts really make me cringe.
However, over all I like it, and I'm proud of some parts. It's probably general enough to make some sense to those who don't know B5.
This is an AU story set around the time of the 4th season episodes "The Illusion of truth" and "Atonement". It came about because of a what if scenario that was running around in my head.
Echoes of Memory Past
(c) 1998 by Katrina McDonnell
Disclaimer: All characters contained in this story, plus the station, are the property of JMS and Babylonian Productions, and probably WB and TNT. I mean no harm to them (except for a little bit of discomfort) and will put them back where they belong. No infringement on these copyrights is intended. Please do not post anywhere without the express permission of the author.
The silence that soothed her, supporting her within its silken touch, suddenly erupted into a kaleidoscope of voices, thoughts and feelings. Slumber was abandoned as she fought her way to the surface of consciousness. An invading army overcame her defences and surged into her mind, threatening to sacrifice her individual personality to the collective. She attempted to build a barrier against the onslaught, using the blocking techniques taught to her by her mother a lifetime ago. But these measures only succeeded in stemming the tide for what seemed a moment, before the walls came crashing down. In a last ditch attempt to maintain some semblance of self-control she focused on her identity, as if by repeating it she could convince herself that she wasn't just a figment of her own imagination.
"My name is Commander Susan Ivanova. My mother was Sofie Ivanova and my father was Andrei Ivanov. My brother was Ganya Ivanov. I am first officer of Babylon 5, serving under Captain John Sheridan."
Her mind continued to be buffeted, as if she were pushing her way through the crowded Zocalo. Faceless voices brushed past her, submerging her within their thoughts and feelings. The majority of the minds were strangers, but every so often a consciousness passed by which was familiar. She clasped these minds to her, gaining strength from their intimacy, fortifying her battered soul. John, Delenn, Stephen, Marcus, she tried to touch each of them, to inform them of her predicament. But apart from a brief flicker of recognition from the consciousness that was Marcus, they were unaware of her presence.
Susan tried to force her corporeal body from her bed, but her limbs were frozen, her body seemingly in collusion with the invading forces, betraying her in her moment of greatest need. Panic started to overwhelm her as she felt her consciousness begin to slip from her tenuous grasp. Again she reached out to the minds around, desperately seeking one, just one, who would come to her aid. Suddenly she felt a consciousness brush against her, as light as a feather. She felt recognition surge through the other and turned to find herself staring into the eyes of Lyta Alexander.
"Lyta, please help me", she managed to gasp, before her world started to spin and contract, as she surrendered herself to the surrounding ocean of minds, slowly sinking to its murky depths. Devoid of fight, Susan felt strangely at peace as she lost her battle for control of her mind.
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In her quarters Lyta Alexander suddenly opened her eyes, sleep tossed aside, as she tried to hold onto the memory of a dream. Or was it a dream? The impressions, feelings, had seemed so real. She had been trapped in a crowd of minds, when she felt panic and helplessness emanating from nearby. She had turned around, searching for the source and found herself face to face with Susan Ivanova. The gray eyes of her friend were filled with horror and Lyta could sense turmoil and confusion within her mind. She was struggling against some outside influence and with what seemed to be the last ounce of strength left in her body, Susan gasped, "Lyta, please help me."
Lyta reached out to touch Susan, to reassure her, but as she did Susan suddenly collapsed. As she raced to her fallen friend, Lyta felt the consciousness that was Susan fade away. All that remained was a shell and as Lyta reached out to touch what remained of her companion, she had felt herself pulled back to reality.
"Now, was that just a dream or is Susan in trouble?"
Reaching out Lyta searched for familiar minds on the station, focusing on Susan. But while she managed to sense all her other close friends, Susan wasn't among them. Where in the hell was she?
"Susan Ivanova, Susan, please answer me," Lyta tried to contact her using conventional means. Still no answer. "Security."
A voice answered her out of the darkness, "Security here."
"This is Lyta Alexander. Please send someone to meet me at Commander Ivanova's quarters."
"May I ask why?"
"I haven't got time to explain. Just have someone meet me there," Lyta could feel panic beginning to edge into her voice.
"Yes ma'am," answered the disembodied voice.
Lyta grabbed a robe, throwing it on over her nightwear and made for the door. Once in the corridor she broke into a run, her concern urging her on. She arrived at Susan's door just seconds before Zack Allen.
"Lyta, what's up?"
"I'm not sure, I just feel something's very wrong with Susan."
Zack could see the worry, the terror in Lyta's eyes.
"Alright, but the Commander may kill me for disturbing her."
"Zack, I'll take the blame," Lyta replied with a hint of amusement apparent in her voice. Susan might very well kill them both, but if she was in trouble...
Zack punched in the override security code and the door slid open with a slight hiss. Lyta made a move to enter, but Zack blocked her.
"Let me go first, just in case."
Lyta nodded as Zack slowly edged into the quarters, sweeping his eyes around for any hidden dangers. However she was certain that the danger to Susan was mental, not physical. Quietly she followed Zack into the living area, slowly opening her mind performing a surface scan. She grew increasingly concerned as she could only feel Zack, at this close proximity she should have been able to feel Susan as well.
Zack reached the bedroom door and quickly disappeared from sight. A moment later he cried out, "Lyta, get in here quick."
Lyta rushed into the room to discover Zack sitting next to a pale Susan,trying to rouse her. Lyta touched her hand, finding the skin clammy. Her breathing was shallow and laboured. Again Lyta tried to scan her and again she felt nothing. As she tried to suppress her mounting concern she turned to Zack, "We have to get her to Medlab immediately."
Zack nodded and went to gently lift Susan from the bed, as Lyta forewarned the Medlab staff of their imminent arrival. Susan's body was as limp as a rag doll in Zack's arms and Lyta felt a sudden shudder pass through her as she was struck by the thought that even though their friend was still breathing, she was already lost to them.
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Darkness surrounded her, oppressive darkness pushing in from all sides, suffocating her. She felt panic beginning to well up inside her chest as she struggled to find her bearings. Where in the hell was she? Memories came surging back, foreign consciousnesses invading her mind, Lyta standing in front of her and then, finally, drowning in the ocean of minds.
But all was quiet now, the silence deafening. She felt the horror of sensory deprivation beginning to dawn on her. If only she could hear or see or touch something, anything, to convince herself of her own existence. Or was she dead? No, she couldn't be, she still had too much she wanted, needed to do. The Army of Light still had so much left to accomplish. She had to be there. She hadn't been able to say goodbye to her friends. John, her Captain and one of her best friends, he was like a brother to her. Delenn, so gentle, yet so strong. G'Kar, Stephen, Zack, Michael, Lennier, Vir, even Londo. Marcus, he exasperated her, annoyed her, but he could make her laugh. What did she really feel about him, for him? He confused her. Did she want to be more than just friends? Did she even have a chance? After all he had told her that he had finally found that special someone, and it wasn't her. Or was it?
"Just shut up. You're supposed to be working out where you are and what in the hell happened. Not pining away like some lovesick teenager," she angrily told herself.
Lyta, she was the link. When Lyta had seen her there had seemed to be a moment of recognition, just as she had lost consciousness. But did Lyta realise that she needed help? Or was she trapped forever in this twilight zone?
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Lyta stood, lost in thought, watching blankly as Stephen and Dr Hobbs worked on Susan's body. She felt a presence next to her and turned to see Captain Sheridan and Delenn, worry and concern etched into their faces. Turning her head further she saw Lennier standing further back.
"What happened?" Sheridan enquired.
"I don't know. I had what I thought was a dream, Susan was in trouble and she begged me for help. When we got to her quarters we found her like this."
"We?"
"Chief Allen and I."
The group sank back into a tense silence, seconds stretching into minutes, time seemingly slowing to the point where it became meaningless. After what seemed an eternity, but in reality was only a matter of minutes, the stillness was broken by the arrival of Zack Allen. Sheridan turned, demanding, "Did you find anything?"
"I'm sorry Captain, but I had a security team do a full sweep of the Commander's quarters. We found nothing."
"No communications, no messages?"
"Nothing Captain. I'm sorry," Zack felt the full burden of Security Chief bearing down on his shoulders. He couldn't give the Captain the answers he wanted, needed. Hell, he couldn't even give him the questions.
"Has anyone told Marcus?" The voice was so quiet that it didn't immediately register. John turned to Delenn.
"He should know."
Lennier stepped forward, "I will inform Marcus, Delenn."
"Thank you Lennier."
Lennier bowed and hurriedly turned and left. John moved closer to Delenn and slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her to him. As much seeking her support, as supporting her. Again the room descended into silence.
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Lennier stood outside Marcus's door, unsure of his next move. How do you tell a friend that the woman he cares for is in trouble, possibly even dying? He had studied the way that Marcus stole glances at Commander Ivanova and he had seen in Marcus the same look that the Captain gave Delenn. The look he had come to recognise as human love and devotion. The look that had convinced Lennier that even though he himself loved Delenn, she was destined for another.
Lennier pressed the door chime and waited for a moment, before hearing a distinctive voice, "Who is it?"
"Marcus, it is Lennier."
The door opened and Lennier found himself face to face with a sleepy looking Marcus Cole.
"What's wrong with Delenn?"
"Nothing is wrong with Delenn. May I come in?" Lennier followed Marcus into the sparse room, sitting in the chair indicated by Marcus.
"Then what's happened? It's 3:30 in the morning."
How to tell him, Lennier pondered. Was the direct and blunt approach the best? Or should he, as the humans say, beat around the bush? Looking at Marcus's face made his decision.
"It is Commander Ivanova."
"Susan?" Lennier could hear the concern in Marcus's voice and saw it reflected in his eyes.
"She is in Medlab. Dr Franklin is examining her now."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know. Miss Alexander and Chief Allen found her unconscious in her quarters. They took her directly to Medlab. Delenn thought you should be informed."
Marcus stood and walked toward his bedroom, his shoulders visibly sagging under the weight of his worry, "Thank you Lennier, just let me get dressed."
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The darkness was slowly lifting around her; maybe now she would be able to see where in the hell she was. Her eyes slowly adjusted to the light and sound returned. She found herself standing in front of her childhood home, staring at much younger versions of herself and Ganya. She heard the front door of the house open and saw her mother, eyes twinkling, and her father stroll out. The young Susan toddled over to her father, who whisked her up into his arms.
"What in the hell is this? A Jewish Christmas Carol? Where's the ghost of Hanukkah past?"
Susan continued to watch the scene in front of her, a viewer yet a participant. She remembered being so happy, so carefree, as only a child can be. This had been a short time before the Psi Corps had caught up with her mother, forever altering and ultimately destroying their lives. Suddenly her vision began to blur and her hearing became garbled.
"No," she screamed as she fought against the approaching abyss. She didn't want to descend into that twilight world again, but the pull was overwhelming. Her last conscious thoughts were of a mystery that had haunted the human race for millennia. Was this death? Was she fated to walk the annals of her memories for the rest of eternity?
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During the journey to Medlab Marcus's mind was in turmoil. He found it hard to imagine Susan ill, she was always so strong and vibrant. What if she was dying? He angrily told himself to shut up. He couldn't think that way, he mustn't. He'd already lost too many people dear to him. His brother and a woman, as he had told Delenn, he had been fond of. Delenn had told him that he had survivor's guilt. At the time Marcus had tried to ignore that comment, but in his heart he knew she was right. He did feel guilty for being alive when so many others were dead.
But when he had met Susan and had then got to know her, he had seen a chance for a new life, a fresh start. He had felt alive again. Susan, however, had turned out to be a challenge. While Marcus was not privy to her entire past, it was plain to see that she had a great deal of emotional baggage herself. This was the main reason that Marcus had so far skirted around revealing his feelings for her. He didn't want to hurt or pressure her. If they were meant to be, it would happen.
Lennier led him into Medlab. The Captain and Delenn were standing together, arms around each other. They turned as one as they entered. John released Delenn, allowing her to approach Marcus.
"Delenn, is she...."
Delenn put her hand on Marcus's arm, radiating comfort with a touch, "She's alive Marcus. Lyta is in with Dr Franklin at the moment."
As if on cue, Dr Franklin and Lyta exited the room in which Susan was lying, fatigue and concern evident in their expressions.
"Stephen, what in the hell is wrong?" Marcus demanded.
Delenn stroked his arm, calming him. With a sigh Stephen, trying to keep his voice steady, informed them of Susan's condition, "Susan's in a deep coma."
"What? How did that happen?" demanded Sheridan.
"Her EEG readings are extremely high..."
Marcus was confused, "What does that mean?"
"But she's only a latent telepath Stephen," countered Sheridan.
Lyta broke in, "Not any longer Captain. Her telepathic powers have been activated and her mind wasn't able to cope with all the foreign thoughts. Her brain essentially overloaded. The coma is the result."
"She's a telepath?" Marcus finally understood the meaning of stunned mullet.
"As you know, telepathy normally manifests itself in the teenage years. However sometimes it remains latent to be activated later or perhaps never. Usually the younger the telepath the better they are able to cope. Susan couldn't, it overwhelmed her. So to protect herself her mind shutdown."
"Is there...brain damage?" Delenn asked the question quietly, almost hoping that it wouldn't be heard.
Lyta and Stephen looked at each other, wondering how to approach this query. Stephen reluctantly broke the silence, "I don't know. There's no surface brain activity. The only brain activity I can detect is that which is keeping her body alive. I won't know if there's any brain damage and if so, the extent, until she regains consciousness. When that will be, I have no idea."
Sheridan turned his attention to Lyta, "She contacted you. Can you help her?"
"I've tried surface scans, but I can't feel her. She's retreated deep into her mind."
"Can you reach her?"
"I don't know. I can try a deep scan and see if I can reach her I might be able to teach her to build telepathic barriers and lead her back. But Captain, you have to know that a large percentage of telepaths in this situation never recover. They remain in a vegetative state."
"Yes I understand. But we have to give her a chance, however slim it may be," Sheridan's voice was close to breaking.
"I'll try. Don't expect this to be quick. It may take days. If I can reach her at all," Lyta turned to walk back into Susan's room.
"Stephen, can I see her, just for a moment?" Marcus asked the question, but the tone of his voice left Franklin in little doubt that he would see her no matter what the answer. Franklin nodded his assent and watched as Marcus crossed the room.
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No, she didn't want to be here, of all the instances in her life, anywhere but here. She waited, willing, hoping for the darkness to claim her again. But nothing happened.
"Dammit!"
She was stuck at this moment in time, in her past. Or was it her present? She was confused, time was becoming meaningless. Her past, present and future were seeming to merge. She surrendered herself to the idea that she was about to relive the single most painful moment in her life. She watched herself, a young girl, absorbed in a game with her dolls. And she watched, her heart pounding, as her mother walked into the room, sat down and stroked the young Susan's hair.
"Mother..." the words stuck in her throat. Her mother's eyes were dead, yet there was a hint of sadness and what could only be termed relief, contained in them. She was seeing her mother from a different perspective, almost as if for the first time. As a child she had watched as her mother deteriorated due to the sleepers she was forced to take. But being a child, she had never fully appreciated the magnitude of her mother's suffering. Now, as an observer, she was finally beginning to comprehend Sofie's actions.
While Susan knew that her mother had loved her, had even felt it in her mind, she had harboured gnawing doubts. Why if her mother had loved her and Ganya and their father so much, why had she left them?
"Susan, could you please go next door for a while. I've got some things I need to take care of."
Her mother's voice broke Susan out of her reverie. She tried to scream at her younger self not to go, but events occurred exactly as she remembered. The young girl kissed Sofie and left the house. However the present, or was it future, Susan remained. Unconsciously, she followed her mother as she walked out of the room and down the hall into her parent's bedroom. Her mother sat down on the bed and reached over to her dressing table to retrieve a family photo. For what seemed an eternity Sofie just stared at the portrait, absorbing every last detail, committing her family to her heart.
Inexplicably, Susan could feel her mother's emotions, her turmoil at what she was about to do. The experience left Susan raw and exposed. Finally she saw her mother kiss each of her family in the photo and place it beside her. With one hand she picked up a tablet bottle and emptied its contents into her mouth, a glass of water in the other hand completed the act.
Sofie then lay down on the bed, clutching the photo to her chest. Drowsiness began to overtake her and Susan felt her mother beginning to relax and a strange peacefulness settling over her. Susan moved closer to the bed, just in time to hear her mother whisper, "Andrei, Ganya, Susan, I love you. Please forgive me."
Susan felt tears biting at her eyes, as she watched her mother's breathing slow. Then it hit her, something didn't make sense. These weren't her memories, she, was it the past or present Susan, had been, was, next door with their neighbours. Where in the hell were these memories, images from? It was as though she was channelling her mother's memories from beyond the grave. But how was that possible? Maybe, somehow, her mother had placed this scene in her mind before she died, hoping that one day Susan would see the truth?
She heard her mother whispering repeatedly, "Please forgive me. Please forgive me."
Her breathing became increasingly laboured and her voice inaudible. Susan placed one hand over her mother's, stroking her cheek with the other. Then with her voice, mind and soul, she spoke the words that she most needed to say, the words her mother needed to hear, "I forgive you, mother. I love you."
With a last shuddering breath filling the room, Susan could have sworn that she heard and felt in her mind and heart, her mother's final words, "Thank you."
Silence descended, the universe seemed to have stopped breathing, as if in reverence to the newly departed. Only breaking when Susan Ivanova began to cry.
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He had never seen her looking so small, so vulnerable. All the worry, the concerns and responsibilities, had been erased from her face, she looked so like a child. Marcus felt an overwhelming need to protect her from whatever demons had her in their grasp.
Reaching out, he stroked her face, feeling the ice-cold yet clammy skin under his touch. The Minbari believed that when asleep the true face was revealed. And what Marcus saw led him even deeper into his love for her.
"Lennier said that she contacted you."
Lyta walked towards the bed, "Yes. She asked me for help in my dream. Then she collapsed. I went to check on her and found her like this."
"When I was asleep I had the strangest feeling. I felt her brush against me and I turned and just for a split moment I saw her. And then she was gone. But I'll never forget the look in her eyes, she was terrified. I don't know whether that was just a dream or was she trying to contact me?"
"She was projecting her thoughts, looking for anyone who could help her. I'm just glad that she found me, otherwise..." Lyta left the thought unsaid.
"But how could I sense her? I'm not telepathic." Marcus had the look of a little boy battling with a puzzle.
"A strong emotional bond can aid contact even if only one of the two is telepathic."
"But then why me? While we do get on better now than we used to, we're not exactly close. Why not Sheridan? She's closer to him than anyone else."
Lyta smiled, watching the emotions play across Marcus's face. "Maybe there's a bond she isn't aware of. If, when she wakes you should let her know how you feel."
Marcus turned to look at her. "Am I that transparent? If I am, why hasn't she seen it?"
"Marcus, your feelings for her are obvious. Maybe she has seen it but she won't admit it to herself. If you are given a second chance with her, seize it, don't let it go."
Marcus's mouth started to form into a grin. "You hiring yourself out as a relationship counsellor now Miss Alexander?"
Lyta returned the smile but Marcus noticed that it didn't quite reach her eyes.
"If Susan regains consciousness she is going to need all the love and support she can get. She is facing her greatest nightmare, she's managed to keep her latent telepathy secret her entire life. She's going to have to confront what happened to her mother and she's going to be terrified that her life will take the same path."
"I'll be there for her, you don't have to worry about that. If she tries to push me away I'll just push back. I can be just as stubborn and bull-headed as she can." Marcus turned back to Susan, gently moving a lock of hair which had fallen over her eyes. He felt Lyta place her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently, offering support and wordlessly asking him to leave with a touch.
Marcus lent down and placed a light kiss on her lips. With both his voice and heart he whispered, "I love you Susan Ivanova. Come back to me."
He straightened up, turned and glanced at Lyta. He didn't need words, Lyta saw his plea in his eyes. Simply nodding in reply Lyta watched as Marcus walked from the room.
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Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool, her eyes red and sore. Susan was more than a little surprised that she was still beside her mother's body. She had no idea how long she had been there, but she found herself wishing that the velveteen darkness of the neverworld would claim her again. At least there she felt no pain, she felt absolutely nothing. Which would be a blessed relief from feeling so much.
Stretching her legs Susan stood and wandered around the room she remembered so well. Tracing her fingers over her mother's dressing table, memories came rushing back of how she had loved the feel of the wood as a small child. She would sit on her mother's lap in front of the dressing table, her mother brushing her hair while she ran her fingers across the wood. It had been a daily ritual, strengthening the telepathic bond between mother and daughter, allowing Susan to immerse herself in her mother's love. But that bond gradually began to fade as the sleeper treatments took effect. Susan felt a tiny piece of her mother disappear nearly every day, until she was only a pale shadow of her former self. A shell whose inner life dissipated until Sofie was no longer living, only existing.
The sound of a door opening broke the silence, Andrei Ivanov's voice waking Susan from her thoughts. She heard footsteps approaching and within a minute her father entered the bedroom. He approached the bed quietly, obviously thinking her mother asleep. However when he stroked her face realisation dawned. He desperately searched for a pulse, any sign that life was still contained within. Susan could see panic beginning to manifest itself in her father's face as he fought against the undeniable truth. Andrei began to shake Sofie's body, as if by doing so he could restore life to the shell.
"No, Sofie, no. Don't do this to us. No," Andrei's voice was breaking, sobs making his words indistinct. As reality sunk in he clasped the remnants of his wife, friend, lover, to his body. As his emotions spilled out, tears racking his body, he gently rocked Sofie, as if a small child.
Susan could only stare, transfixed at the scene before her, a scene she had not witnessed but that somehow was now part of her memories. She watched her father, remembering him arriving at their neighbours to pick her up. Remembering the devastated look on his face, the lack of life in his eyes. That day she had not only lost her mother. A large part of her father had died with her. And their family had never been the same.
Over the next few years she had begun to grow estranged from her father, and after Ganya's death their relationship had deteriorated even further. Just before he died Andrei had apologised to her, explaining that he had been too wrapped up in his own grief to give her the love and comfort she needed. She had told him that it was all right, there was no need, she had forgiven him. But she still hadn't fully understood, had said it more for her father's benefit, hadn't realised the depth of her father's loss, until now.
She finally realised that he had lost so much of himself when her mother died, that he barely had enough life, enough will, remaining to keep himself going. There just wasn't enough left over for her.
Susan walked slowly over to the bed and sat down next to her father. She put her hand on his shoulder and placed her face against his back. He didn't know she was there but the closeness and the rocking motion comforted her. She closed her eyes, letting the intimacy flow through her, relaxing her body and settling her thoughts.
She finally understood her mother and father's actions, what had led them to their fates. And from understanding, forgiveness and acceptance come, as natural a progression as that from life to death.
The silky tendrils of the abyss stroked at her back and as she felt herself beginning to surrender to that dark place she said her goodbyes. While it had been painful, she was almost grateful that she had been given this chance to view her past from a different perspective. To come to terms with that event that had shaped and affected her life. To fully understand her present and future she had needed to comprehend and accept her past, and to forgive. She knew that she still had a long way to go, a lifetime of experiences to deal with and she didn't know whether she'd be able to cope with them. But she'd taken the first step.
"I love you both and I forgive you," she whispered as the room began to fade into oblivion. As she let herself fall into the darkness she heard a familiar voice, coming from somewhere in the distance, "I love you Susan Ivanova. Come back to me."
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Lyta slowly exhaled the breath she hadn't even realised she'd been holding.
"Calm down, calm down. You need to be calm to help her." Lyta was more than a little concerned at the prospect of performing a deep scan on Susan. Deep scans could be treacherous under the most controlled of circumstances. Descending into the tangled mind of a recently activated telepath was tantamount to suicide, especially for a P5. Lyta hoped that the 'adjustments' she had received at the hands of the Vorlons would help protect her, at least enough for her to reach Susan.
"Are you going to be all right?"
Lyta turned to face a concerned Stephen.
"Because if you aren't, don't do it. I don't need another patient. We can wait to see if Susan comes out of it herself."
"Stephen, I'll be fine, I just have to take it slowly," Lyta paused, "I'm the only chance she's got. If I can't reach her and bring her out..." Lyta let her voice trail off, she couldn't bring herself to say it aloud, just in case she tempted fate. Not that she was a superstitious person but some things were better left unsaid.
"Alright, if you're sure. But I'm going to monitor you closely and if you have any problems I want you to pull out immediately. I know Susan would not want you to risk yourself on her behalf," Stephen's voice was adamant and Lyta realised that he would brook no argument. She simply nodded and stated, "Let's do it."
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She passed through a montage of scenes, moments from her life, remaining in each only a short time. The time however was long enough for her to come to understand the meaning, the role, each event had played in her life, where she had come from, where she was and where her future lay. The past, present and future intertwined, one leading to the other, separate, yet each contained within the others.
Her mother's funeral, her brother's death, her growing estrangement from her father, entering Earthforce, her graduation from the Academy.
Her assignment to Io and her first meeting with John Sheridan, the man who would become so much more than just her commanding officer.
Her split from Malcolm when she took the posting to Babylon 5, followed by his allegiance to Homeguard.
Jeff's departure and John's arrival, Michael's shooting.
Her growing feelings for Talia, her confusion over the attraction, that one night they had spent together, it was the safest she had felt in a long time. But the very next day the illusion was shattered by the ultimate of betrayals. The woman she had thought she knew was a traitor, preprogrammed to carry out the Psi Corps bidding. The Talia she had fallen in love with was a front, unknown to anyone, even Talia herself.
She had let her guard down, allowed someone to breach the barriers she had erected around her heart. And she had paid the price once again.
Susan was relieved when this memory faded to be replaced by the next in what seemed to be a never-ending movie.
Marcus's arrival, the declaration of martial law on Earth, the rise of the Night Watch. The secession of Babylon 5 from the Earth Alliance to become independent, followed by the battle for the station against their own.
The kidnapping of Delenn by remnants of the Night Watch, her rescue and the rebirth ceremony. Susan had admitted to Delenn her feelings about Talia. In one way this confession had eased her heart of part of its burden, but in another it had convinced her that the only way to protect herself was to rebuild the barriers even higher.
And then another loss, Jeff went back to the past with Babylon 4. While she was proud of having known the man who became, had been, Valen, she felt a piece of herself torn away as he left.
Just when she imagined that things couldn't get any more complicated all hell broke loose. Skirmishes with the Shadows increased, Stephen was stabbed and nearly died, while Anna Sheridan returned from the dead and Z'ha'dum.
2260 ended with the loss of all her hopes and dreams. John had gone to Z'ha'dum and then disappeared. Readings indicated that the White Star had been destroyed. And she had felt him die. It was as if a shockwave from the destruction of the White Star had travelled across the vast expanse and hit her in the chest. Somehow it had informed her of the passing of her captain and friend. She couldn't explain how she knew or why she had felt it, whether her latent telepathy had enhanced the emotional link she shared with John. All she knew was that he was gone.
A short time later the grief was compounded when Corwin had informed her that Michael's Starfury hadn't returned to the station. Within the space of a few hours she had lost two colleagues, more importantly two close friends.
The next week passed by in a fog, reality replaced by a waking dream. She had operated on auto-pilot, performing the required duties, both John's and her own. The wolf was her constant companion, keeping sleep at bay. It wasn't till she went to Z'ha'dum with Delenn and Lyta that she finally accepted, albeit reluctantly John's death. That their cause had to continue without him. What they were fighting for was more important than any individual. She had the responsibility to ensure that the struggle continued.
Just when she had come to accept her new role, fate had again stepped in. Michael and John were returned to them, both under mysterious circumstances. However the joy of reunion was short-lived. Marcus and she had discovered a Vorlon war fleet in hyperspace, and when theyreturned to the station Lyta had confirmed their fears. The Vorlons were on the move, destroying anything that had been touched by the Shadows.
The next few weeks passed in a blur, preparations made for war, culminating in the First Ones, including the Shadows, Vorlons and Lorien himself, passing beyond the rim. The Shadow War was over and the Third Age of Mankind had begun.
But the battle for Earth and it's colonies was only just beginning. And this war could prove to be more difficult as they were essentially fighting themselves. Cracks were also starting to appear within the Army of Light itself. Since his return Michael hadn't been his old self. He started questioning and fighting John, culminating in his resignation a short time ago.
She'd lost so many dear to her, through death or betrayal. So she'd built up barriers around her heart. Lorien had noticed that her heart and head didn't speak anymore. But even as she raised the walls higher, people still managed to penetrate them, she still got hurt.
What was the point? She was fighting a losing battle. Maybe she should just let herself be swallowed into the swirling mists, surrender to oblivion. At least there she would be insulated from further heartache. Even if she had to relive her past for the rest of eternity they were old wounds. She'd managed to cope with those for years, had been able to bury some, come to terms with others. But she couldn't handle another fresh injury. She just couldn't.
The icy fingers of the twilight were reaching out to her, calling her name. Sanctuary was promised, relief from the pain of life. She felt herself drawn towards the edge, her head surrendering. But her heart resisted.
Her body was frozen just metres from the abyss, as her heart and head battled for control over her life, or death.
------------------------------
Lyta steeled herself, preparing to descend into madness. Stephen watched her with concern, wanting to prevent her, yet knowing this would probably be Susan's only chance for recovery.
"I mean it Lyta. If there are any problems, pull out. Will you be able to hear me when you're in there?"
Lyta's voice sounded like it was coming from a distance, "Yes, I'll be able to hear you."
"Alright, if Susan's or your condition changes dramatically I'll inform you. You ready?"
"As ready as I can be," Stephen could hear the fear tingeing her voice.
"Good luck," two small words, common in usage, deep in meaning. Stephen turned his attention to the medical monitors.
----------------------------------
The layers of the consciousness, like an onion, were peeled away, as Lyta let her mind descend into another's. She didn't know exactly where Susan would be, all she knew was that it would be deep within.
Claustrophobia and panic began to surface and surge through her, but she pushed the feelings into the background, concentrating her focus and energies on the task ahead. It was dark, mists swirled around her, obscuring her path, but she continued on instinct. At intervals she called out and listened but there was no reply.
"Lyta, it's Stephen," the voice broke the smothering silence, startling Lyta. "I can hear you Stephen, what's wrong?"
"Susan's life signs are failing, the base brain activity is weakening quickly. We're losing her," while Stephen was trying to maintain doctor's decorum, worry and sadness crept into his voice.
"I'll find her Stephen," Lyta managed to convey with more confidence than she actually felt. She continued her search, delving deeper. She called again and again, till finally a voice answered.
"Lyta?"
"Susan, where are you?"
As Lyta called out the mists cleared from around her and she saw Susan standing just metres away. Lyta felt her breath catch in her throat as she saw the grim spectre just a step behind Susan and realised what it meant. She looked into Susan's eyes, saw and felt the confusion, sorrow and fear battling within her. Lyta took a step toward Susan and the beckoning twilight.
"Don't Lyta, please don't come any closer," Susan's voice seemed calm but it was clear that hysteria was only barely being held at bay.
"Please come here Susan, away from the edge," Lyta reached out her hand, offering it in comfort.
"I can't," Susan began to turn to face the abyss.
"Don't do this Susan, you can't do this," Lyta took another step.
"You don't understand Lyta, I've had enough. I can't do this anymore. I've just had enough." Tears welled in Susan's eyes and her voice began to shake.
"Don't give up, not now."
"Why not? What have I got to live for? I'm a telepath, I've illegally served in Earthforce. Psi Corps is going to be after me. I can just see the look on Bester's face when he finds out," Susan was near the edge both emotionally and physically. Lyta realised that the next few minutes were crucial and her words needed to be picked carefully.
"You have so much to live for Susan. What do you think John and Delenn, Stephen, G'Kar, Lennier, even Londo, will do if they lose you? What will I do? We all love you, we're your family, we've lost too much already without losing you as well. And what about Marcus?" Lyta decided to play what she hoped would be her trump card.
"What about Marcus?" Susan sounded confused.
"Susan, you may know everything that goes on on Babylon 5, but you are blind when it comes to yourself. What does he have to do to open your eyes? Hit you over the head with his pike? He's in love with you." Lyta paused, watching emotions flicker over Susan's face.
Susan searched for her voice and all she found was a whisper, "I heard him. I felt him nearby when I was trying to find someone to contact, before I found you."
"I know, he told me."
"But he told me that he had found someone special. I didn't think he meant me. I don't know how I feel..."
"That doesn't matter right now. He's waited this long, he can wait a little longer." Lyta started to feel a little more confident.
"But everything's changed now. I'll have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I saw what my mother went through and what it did to our family and friends. I can't go through that and I can't put you all through that hell. I can't and I won't." Susan's voice had regained its strength and anger was beginning to take control.
"Steady Lyta, steady," Lyta took a deep breath. But just as she was about to reply Stephen's voice broke through the silence.
"Lyta, Susan's brain activity is at a dangerously low level and your brain activity is--"
"Not now Stephen."
"Lyta you need to..."
"Stephen, shut up," Lyta screamed at the emptiness. She turned her full attention back to Susan and her voice caught in her throat. Susan had moved to the edge of the mists and was preparing to surrender herself.
"No, Susan, don't." Lyta struggled to move her body, time seemed to have slowed to a crawl. She saw Susan turn her head and mouth the words "I'm sorry," before stepping through the curtain.
"Susan," Lyta screamed as she sprinted towards her. Reaching, frantically, unable to see through the mists, she found Susan's hand and dragged her back, collapsing on the ground. "Susan, can you hear me? Susan."
Susan's eyes remained closed and Lyta clutched her friend to her, willing her to wake. She was finally rewarded by the stirrings of consciousness. "Susan, are you all right?"
"Why didn't you let me go?" a low voice replied.
"Because we're not ready to lose you." Lyta could feel the sobs beginning to build in Susan, she held her even tighter, "Let it go Susan, let it all go."
Finally after years of imprisonment, the floodgates fully opened, allowing the long suppressed emotions freedom. Sorrow, anger, bewilderment, fear, rage, intermingled with a strange sense of relief as the healing began.
---------------------------------------------
Marcus walked into Medlab to find a worried Stephen watching Susan and Lyta. "Stephen?"
Stephen slowly turned, anguish and weariness marring his face.
"How are they?" Marcus wasn't certain he wanted the answer.
"They're in trouble. I completely lost Susan's life signs a few minutes ago and nearly lost Lyta's. They're both back now but very weak. Lyta isn't answering me. There's nothing I can do."
Marcus turned his attention to Susan and Lyta. Lyta's face was the study of complete concentration, her hands grasping Susan's. Susan's face was even paler than before, the spectre of death haunting her features. He wanted, needed, to touch her but he was afraid of breaking the telepathic link. "How long do we have to wait?"
Stephen's voice was heavy with emotion as he answered, "I have no idea."
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Lyta stroked Susan's hair as the tears began to subside. What Susan needed now was the comfort of human touch. Words would come later when she was ready to talk. As gently as she could Lyta shifted her weight, trying not to disturb her friend. She had no idea of how much time had passed, she knew that Stephen would be worried. But she didn't want to break the silence at the moment, he would have to wait.
She began to consider her course of action to help Susan build up telepathic barriers and lead her back to consciousness. It wasn't going to be simple and she would need to be beside Susan every step of the way, offering assurance and aid when required. And this was only the beginning of a long road ahead, a road that would force Susan to come face to face with her nightmares and her past.
Susan stirred in her arms and Lyta loosened her hold, gently wiping away the tears as Susan lifted her face.
"It's alright Susan, you're safe," Lyta reassured her with sound and touch, "I just need to let Stephen know, alright?"
Susan nodded as Lyta stroked her cheek. Lyta looked into the distance, "Stephen?"
"I'm here, Lyta. Are you ok?" relief and worry in his voice.
"I'm fine and I have Susan with me. I'm going to lead her back but it may take a while."
"Alright, I'll keep monitoring you both. See you when you get back."
Lyta turned her attention back to Susan. "Are you ready to go back?"
Fear filled Susan's eyes and she shied away from Lyta's touch. "I don't know. I don't think I can."
"Susan, I'm here to help you. I'll teach you how to build barriers to keep your mind insulated and how to control your talents. But if I'm going to help you and if all the people who love you are going to help, you have to let us in. You have to tear down the barriers around your heart."
Susan stood and backed away shaking her head. "No, I won't, I can't. I can't let anybody in, they'll just hurt me again. I won't go through it again, not again. I've had enough."
Not wanting to send her over the edge again Lyta kept her distance. "Susan, while closing your heart may help protect you from the pain, it also means that your heart is closed to everything around you, to happiness, even to the people you love and who love you. And just because you don't allow the pain in, that doesn't mean that it goes away. It's still there, waiting to creep in anyway it can. The only way you can make it disappear is to deal with it, come to terms with it. Only then can you be free of it."
Her voice faltering and her head bowed, Susan spoke, "I saw my mother's death. I held her hand as she died again, I held my father as he rocked my mother's body. I finally understand why she did it and why I lost my father that day as well."
Lyta quietly moved towards her, drawing Susan into the comfort and security of her embrace. "And it isn't as painful now, is it? This is what you need to do. If anybody can, it is you, Susan. You are one of the strongest people I've ever met. You can do it. Let us help."
Lyta kissed Susan gently on the forehead and saw the fight and strength returning in her eyes. "You ready to go home?"
With all the spirit and strength she could muster and with the first smile in what seemed like eternity on her lips, Susan replied, "Yes I am."
Lyta gripped Susan's hands tightly and looked deeply into her eyes. "Let's go then. I'll be here beside you every step of the way. I can help and support you to some extent, but ultimately it's up to you."
"I know. We should get a move on. I wouldn't want C&C to become too complacent in my absence."
Sharing a smile the long journey home began.
------------------------------------------------
Over the next few hours Marcus and Stephen watched as the women's life signs grew gradually stronger. Lyta supported Susan for the entire journey, stopping at each level of the subconscious to teach her how to build on the telepathic barriers. Set backs were few and Lyta was very proud of Susan's progress and the fight and spirit she displayed.
Finally they arrived at the last level before consciousness. Lyta showed Susan how to put the final telepathic barrier in place. "This is it. We'll take this step very slowly. You should then just wake up. All right?" Lyta held Susan's hands.
Susan nodded as fear began to return to her eyes and voice, "All right."
"It's going to be fine Susan. There's nothing to fear. I'm here beside you. If you fall I will catch you."
"I know you will. Now, before I chicken out."
"Now."
Susan suddenly felt constrained and for a moment panicked before realising that it was her body. Thoughts and feelings battered at the walls around her mind but they remained outside. Sounds of people rejoicing assailed her ears and then Lyta's soft voice, "You're back Susan. Everything's all right. You did it."
She felt hands grip hers, one soft, she had come to recognise as Lyta's. The other was callused, a little rough but warm and held her with such tenderness. Tentatively she opened her eyes, the brightness stunning her for just a moment as she adjusted. Lyta was on her left, looking tired but relieved. "The telepathic barriers are holding?"
Susan nodded as Lyta reached out and stroked her cheek. "Good. I will teach you more when you recover but they should hold for now."
Susan looked around the room, finding Stephen, John, Delenn and Lennier. And to her right sat the owner of the tender hand. Tears shone in Marcus's eyes and for just a moment his feelings of happiness and relief were tangible in her mind.
The spell was broken as John came over to her and gathered her into his arms for a hug. She felt a cocoon of safety begin to form around her, produced by the people who loved her.
"Welcome back, Susan." John released her just enough to place a kiss on her forehead.
"I'm glad to be back," and Susan suddenly realised it was true. She was back where she belonged, where she was loved and she could love in return.
Stephen decided to bring some order back to Medlab. "Come on, that's enough for now. I need to give my patient a check-up and then she needs some rest."
"All right, Stephen." John laughed as he finally let her go. Slowly they all left the room, Susan following her friends, her family, with her eyes. Stephen came over to her and started his examination.
"How are you really feeling, Susan?"
Susan laid her hand on Stephen's. "Fine, Stephen, I'm fine. A little tired but... I don't know. It's strange, hard to put into words. I feel more alive than I've felt in years."
"Well, Commander, I am giving you a clean bill of health physically. But you need rest and I'm keeping you here till at least tomorrow."
Susan started to protest but Stephen cut her off, "No arguments. Doctor's orders, I outrank you on this. However I'm more than a little worried about your mental and emotional state. Your telepathic development has been very sudden and traumatic."
"You aren't telling me anything I don't know, Stephen. But I can cope. Lyta is going to continue to teach me how to manage it. And I have so many friends here who will help me through the difficult times."
"Yes, we're here for you."
"You know, for the first time in years, actually probably my entire life, I feel comfortable with who I am and where I am. I relived my past and I finally understand it, I can accept what happened and how it led me to where I am now. And as for my telepathy, this was always my greatest fear, my living nightmare. But I've survived it, I'm still here."
Stephen smiled. "You certainly are. Now, enough revelations for today, you need your sleep. And that's an order."
"Yes, Doctor."
Stephen brushed her hair away from her face, "We're glad you're back," and walked from the room.
Susan started to settle down but heard low voices just outside the door. Moments later a familiar figure entered and came over beside the bed.
"Marcus. What are you doing in here?"
"I talked Stephen into letting me see you."
"How did you do that?"
Marcus gently lowered himself onto the edge of the bed. "I threatened to sing. Though Stephen did say that if I'm not out in 5 minutes he'll remove my vocal cords with my Ranger pin."
Susan returned his smile as he leaned over to gently trace the outline of her lips. She reached up and held his hand to her cheek.
"I thought I had lost you, love, before I could tell you..." Marcus's voice was near to breaking.
"Marcus, I heard you and I felt you. But I don't know how I feel. I've got so much to deal with at the moment. The telepathy, old ghosts..."
Marcus interrupted, "I never meant to push you Susan. That was the last thing on my mind. I don't want this to affect our friendship. That's more important to me than anything. And if that's all you ever feel for me, that's enough. All I ask is that you consider the possibility of us," and then with a gleam in his eyes, "I am but a simple man with simple needs."
Susan gave him a playful whack on the arm, "You are anything but a simple man, Marcus Cole. I will think about the possibility of," Susan paused, "us. And don't worry about our friendship. While you drive me up the wall most of the time," Marcus's feigned look of hurt amused Susan, "I can't imagine my life without you in it."
"As I can't imagine mine."
They sat in silence for several moments, looking at each other, hands joined. Susan reluctantly broke the calm.
"You'd better get going before Stephen carries out his threat."
"I thought you'd be happy about it. You've often complained about my talking and told me to shut up."
"Well that's true. But I think you'd be even more bloody annoying as a mime."
Laughter sounded throughout the room. Marcus leant down and placed a kiss on her forehead. Then as he lost himself in the deep grey fathoms of her eyes he moved down her face. A kiss on the tip of her nose, on both cheeks and then his final destination.
He paused, unsure, until he saw her granted assent. Trembling he lowered his lips to hers, his touch as gentle and light as the brush of a feather. Emboldened he returned as she responded, each exploring the other, lips caressing. Susan felt his thoughts slip into her mind, as effortlessly as his tongue slipped into her mouth. Emotions she had shut out for so long coursed through her, smashing against the fort surrounding her heart, destroying it piece by piece.
The kiss drew to an end as they separated, both gasping for breath. Each looked into the other's eyes and through to the soul. Spoken words were not required. Gently Marcus extracted himself from her embrace and with a silent gesture, not wishing to break the moment, left the room.
Susan settled back down onto the bed. It had been a strange day to say the least. But she felt more alive than she had in years. While there was still a long way to go, she had finally begun to confront and come to terms with her past and present. She had reached the final stage of the grieving process, acceptance. Her greatest fear had confronted her and she had survived it. The telepathy could be managed.
She could now move on to the future, unburdened by the shackles of the past. A future surrounded by the friends who loved her. A future that might possibly contain something more with a certain Ranger. A future she would be able to experience with her heart, mind and soul connected.
As she drifted off to sleep, just for a split second she caught sight of a group of people standing around her bed. Smiles were on the faces of the four as they gazed down at her, the love evident in their eyes. Sofie, Andrei, Ganya, Talia, all so important in her life.
Slowly they began to fade as she descended into sleep. Her mother's voice broke through the silence, "Suzutchka. How much we all love you. But it is time to let us go, let us rest. Don't be afraid to live your life and listen to your heart. We will see you again."
A peacefulness settled over Susan as she silently whispered, "I love you all too. I'll never forget you, you're here in my heart, as you have always been. Goodbye."
With that one final word she lay the ghosts of her past to rest and embraced her future, one full of uncertainties, problems, love, hope, and most of all, life.
It's Babylon 5, Susan-centric, with a dash of Susan/Marcus. This is essentially the first draft with just some minor edits. I had a wonderful B5 list person edit it way back when, but I never got around to fixing it up due to life imploding. And by the time I was semi-stable again, I didn't have the heart to do it.
So please excuse the many problems: passive sentences, head hopping povs, too much "tell", abstract narrative, awkward auxiliary verb constructions, not up close and personal enough. And some parts really make me cringe.
However, over all I like it, and I'm proud of some parts. It's probably general enough to make some sense to those who don't know B5.
This is an AU story set around the time of the 4th season episodes "The Illusion of truth" and "Atonement". It came about because of a what if scenario that was running around in my head.
Echoes of Memory Past
(c) 1998 by Katrina McDonnell
Disclaimer: All characters contained in this story, plus the station, are the property of JMS and Babylonian Productions, and probably WB and TNT. I mean no harm to them (except for a little bit of discomfort) and will put them back where they belong. No infringement on these copyrights is intended. Please do not post anywhere without the express permission of the author.
The silence that soothed her, supporting her within its silken touch, suddenly erupted into a kaleidoscope of voices, thoughts and feelings. Slumber was abandoned as she fought her way to the surface of consciousness. An invading army overcame her defences and surged into her mind, threatening to sacrifice her individual personality to the collective. She attempted to build a barrier against the onslaught, using the blocking techniques taught to her by her mother a lifetime ago. But these measures only succeeded in stemming the tide for what seemed a moment, before the walls came crashing down. In a last ditch attempt to maintain some semblance of self-control she focused on her identity, as if by repeating it she could convince herself that she wasn't just a figment of her own imagination.
"My name is Commander Susan Ivanova. My mother was Sofie Ivanova and my father was Andrei Ivanov. My brother was Ganya Ivanov. I am first officer of Babylon 5, serving under Captain John Sheridan."
Her mind continued to be buffeted, as if she were pushing her way through the crowded Zocalo. Faceless voices brushed past her, submerging her within their thoughts and feelings. The majority of the minds were strangers, but every so often a consciousness passed by which was familiar. She clasped these minds to her, gaining strength from their intimacy, fortifying her battered soul. John, Delenn, Stephen, Marcus, she tried to touch each of them, to inform them of her predicament. But apart from a brief flicker of recognition from the consciousness that was Marcus, they were unaware of her presence.
Susan tried to force her corporeal body from her bed, but her limbs were frozen, her body seemingly in collusion with the invading forces, betraying her in her moment of greatest need. Panic started to overwhelm her as she felt her consciousness begin to slip from her tenuous grasp. Again she reached out to the minds around, desperately seeking one, just one, who would come to her aid. Suddenly she felt a consciousness brush against her, as light as a feather. She felt recognition surge through the other and turned to find herself staring into the eyes of Lyta Alexander.
"Lyta, please help me", she managed to gasp, before her world started to spin and contract, as she surrendered herself to the surrounding ocean of minds, slowly sinking to its murky depths. Devoid of fight, Susan felt strangely at peace as she lost her battle for control of her mind.
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In her quarters Lyta Alexander suddenly opened her eyes, sleep tossed aside, as she tried to hold onto the memory of a dream. Or was it a dream? The impressions, feelings, had seemed so real. She had been trapped in a crowd of minds, when she felt panic and helplessness emanating from nearby. She had turned around, searching for the source and found herself face to face with Susan Ivanova. The gray eyes of her friend were filled with horror and Lyta could sense turmoil and confusion within her mind. She was struggling against some outside influence and with what seemed to be the last ounce of strength left in her body, Susan gasped, "Lyta, please help me."
Lyta reached out to touch Susan, to reassure her, but as she did Susan suddenly collapsed. As she raced to her fallen friend, Lyta felt the consciousness that was Susan fade away. All that remained was a shell and as Lyta reached out to touch what remained of her companion, she had felt herself pulled back to reality.
"Now, was that just a dream or is Susan in trouble?"
Reaching out Lyta searched for familiar minds on the station, focusing on Susan. But while she managed to sense all her other close friends, Susan wasn't among them. Where in the hell was she?
"Susan Ivanova, Susan, please answer me," Lyta tried to contact her using conventional means. Still no answer. "Security."
A voice answered her out of the darkness, "Security here."
"This is Lyta Alexander. Please send someone to meet me at Commander Ivanova's quarters."
"May I ask why?"
"I haven't got time to explain. Just have someone meet me there," Lyta could feel panic beginning to edge into her voice.
"Yes ma'am," answered the disembodied voice.
Lyta grabbed a robe, throwing it on over her nightwear and made for the door. Once in the corridor she broke into a run, her concern urging her on. She arrived at Susan's door just seconds before Zack Allen.
"Lyta, what's up?"
"I'm not sure, I just feel something's very wrong with Susan."
Zack could see the worry, the terror in Lyta's eyes.
"Alright, but the Commander may kill me for disturbing her."
"Zack, I'll take the blame," Lyta replied with a hint of amusement apparent in her voice. Susan might very well kill them both, but if she was in trouble...
Zack punched in the override security code and the door slid open with a slight hiss. Lyta made a move to enter, but Zack blocked her.
"Let me go first, just in case."
Lyta nodded as Zack slowly edged into the quarters, sweeping his eyes around for any hidden dangers. However she was certain that the danger to Susan was mental, not physical. Quietly she followed Zack into the living area, slowly opening her mind performing a surface scan. She grew increasingly concerned as she could only feel Zack, at this close proximity she should have been able to feel Susan as well.
Zack reached the bedroom door and quickly disappeared from sight. A moment later he cried out, "Lyta, get in here quick."
Lyta rushed into the room to discover Zack sitting next to a pale Susan,trying to rouse her. Lyta touched her hand, finding the skin clammy. Her breathing was shallow and laboured. Again Lyta tried to scan her and again she felt nothing. As she tried to suppress her mounting concern she turned to Zack, "We have to get her to Medlab immediately."
Zack nodded and went to gently lift Susan from the bed, as Lyta forewarned the Medlab staff of their imminent arrival. Susan's body was as limp as a rag doll in Zack's arms and Lyta felt a sudden shudder pass through her as she was struck by the thought that even though their friend was still breathing, she was already lost to them.
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Darkness surrounded her, oppressive darkness pushing in from all sides, suffocating her. She felt panic beginning to well up inside her chest as she struggled to find her bearings. Where in the hell was she? Memories came surging back, foreign consciousnesses invading her mind, Lyta standing in front of her and then, finally, drowning in the ocean of minds.
But all was quiet now, the silence deafening. She felt the horror of sensory deprivation beginning to dawn on her. If only she could hear or see or touch something, anything, to convince herself of her own existence. Or was she dead? No, she couldn't be, she still had too much she wanted, needed to do. The Army of Light still had so much left to accomplish. She had to be there. She hadn't been able to say goodbye to her friends. John, her Captain and one of her best friends, he was like a brother to her. Delenn, so gentle, yet so strong. G'Kar, Stephen, Zack, Michael, Lennier, Vir, even Londo. Marcus, he exasperated her, annoyed her, but he could make her laugh. What did she really feel about him, for him? He confused her. Did she want to be more than just friends? Did she even have a chance? After all he had told her that he had finally found that special someone, and it wasn't her. Or was it?
"Just shut up. You're supposed to be working out where you are and what in the hell happened. Not pining away like some lovesick teenager," she angrily told herself.
Lyta, she was the link. When Lyta had seen her there had seemed to be a moment of recognition, just as she had lost consciousness. But did Lyta realise that she needed help? Or was she trapped forever in this twilight zone?
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Lyta stood, lost in thought, watching blankly as Stephen and Dr Hobbs worked on Susan's body. She felt a presence next to her and turned to see Captain Sheridan and Delenn, worry and concern etched into their faces. Turning her head further she saw Lennier standing further back.
"What happened?" Sheridan enquired.
"I don't know. I had what I thought was a dream, Susan was in trouble and she begged me for help. When we got to her quarters we found her like this."
"We?"
"Chief Allen and I."
The group sank back into a tense silence, seconds stretching into minutes, time seemingly slowing to the point where it became meaningless. After what seemed an eternity, but in reality was only a matter of minutes, the stillness was broken by the arrival of Zack Allen. Sheridan turned, demanding, "Did you find anything?"
"I'm sorry Captain, but I had a security team do a full sweep of the Commander's quarters. We found nothing."
"No communications, no messages?"
"Nothing Captain. I'm sorry," Zack felt the full burden of Security Chief bearing down on his shoulders. He couldn't give the Captain the answers he wanted, needed. Hell, he couldn't even give him the questions.
"Has anyone told Marcus?" The voice was so quiet that it didn't immediately register. John turned to Delenn.
"He should know."
Lennier stepped forward, "I will inform Marcus, Delenn."
"Thank you Lennier."
Lennier bowed and hurriedly turned and left. John moved closer to Delenn and slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her to him. As much seeking her support, as supporting her. Again the room descended into silence.
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Lennier stood outside Marcus's door, unsure of his next move. How do you tell a friend that the woman he cares for is in trouble, possibly even dying? He had studied the way that Marcus stole glances at Commander Ivanova and he had seen in Marcus the same look that the Captain gave Delenn. The look he had come to recognise as human love and devotion. The look that had convinced Lennier that even though he himself loved Delenn, she was destined for another.
Lennier pressed the door chime and waited for a moment, before hearing a distinctive voice, "Who is it?"
"Marcus, it is Lennier."
The door opened and Lennier found himself face to face with a sleepy looking Marcus Cole.
"What's wrong with Delenn?"
"Nothing is wrong with Delenn. May I come in?" Lennier followed Marcus into the sparse room, sitting in the chair indicated by Marcus.
"Then what's happened? It's 3:30 in the morning."
How to tell him, Lennier pondered. Was the direct and blunt approach the best? Or should he, as the humans say, beat around the bush? Looking at Marcus's face made his decision.
"It is Commander Ivanova."
"Susan?" Lennier could hear the concern in Marcus's voice and saw it reflected in his eyes.
"She is in Medlab. Dr Franklin is examining her now."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know. Miss Alexander and Chief Allen found her unconscious in her quarters. They took her directly to Medlab. Delenn thought you should be informed."
Marcus stood and walked toward his bedroom, his shoulders visibly sagging under the weight of his worry, "Thank you Lennier, just let me get dressed."
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The darkness was slowly lifting around her; maybe now she would be able to see where in the hell she was. Her eyes slowly adjusted to the light and sound returned. She found herself standing in front of her childhood home, staring at much younger versions of herself and Ganya. She heard the front door of the house open and saw her mother, eyes twinkling, and her father stroll out. The young Susan toddled over to her father, who whisked her up into his arms.
"What in the hell is this? A Jewish Christmas Carol? Where's the ghost of Hanukkah past?"
Susan continued to watch the scene in front of her, a viewer yet a participant. She remembered being so happy, so carefree, as only a child can be. This had been a short time before the Psi Corps had caught up with her mother, forever altering and ultimately destroying their lives. Suddenly her vision began to blur and her hearing became garbled.
"No," she screamed as she fought against the approaching abyss. She didn't want to descend into that twilight world again, but the pull was overwhelming. Her last conscious thoughts were of a mystery that had haunted the human race for millennia. Was this death? Was she fated to walk the annals of her memories for the rest of eternity?
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During the journey to Medlab Marcus's mind was in turmoil. He found it hard to imagine Susan ill, she was always so strong and vibrant. What if she was dying? He angrily told himself to shut up. He couldn't think that way, he mustn't. He'd already lost too many people dear to him. His brother and a woman, as he had told Delenn, he had been fond of. Delenn had told him that he had survivor's guilt. At the time Marcus had tried to ignore that comment, but in his heart he knew she was right. He did feel guilty for being alive when so many others were dead.
But when he had met Susan and had then got to know her, he had seen a chance for a new life, a fresh start. He had felt alive again. Susan, however, had turned out to be a challenge. While Marcus was not privy to her entire past, it was plain to see that she had a great deal of emotional baggage herself. This was the main reason that Marcus had so far skirted around revealing his feelings for her. He didn't want to hurt or pressure her. If they were meant to be, it would happen.
Lennier led him into Medlab. The Captain and Delenn were standing together, arms around each other. They turned as one as they entered. John released Delenn, allowing her to approach Marcus.
"Delenn, is she...."
Delenn put her hand on Marcus's arm, radiating comfort with a touch, "She's alive Marcus. Lyta is in with Dr Franklin at the moment."
As if on cue, Dr Franklin and Lyta exited the room in which Susan was lying, fatigue and concern evident in their expressions.
"Stephen, what in the hell is wrong?" Marcus demanded.
Delenn stroked his arm, calming him. With a sigh Stephen, trying to keep his voice steady, informed them of Susan's condition, "Susan's in a deep coma."
"What? How did that happen?" demanded Sheridan.
"Her EEG readings are extremely high..."
Marcus was confused, "What does that mean?"
"But she's only a latent telepath Stephen," countered Sheridan.
Lyta broke in, "Not any longer Captain. Her telepathic powers have been activated and her mind wasn't able to cope with all the foreign thoughts. Her brain essentially overloaded. The coma is the result."
"She's a telepath?" Marcus finally understood the meaning of stunned mullet.
"As you know, telepathy normally manifests itself in the teenage years. However sometimes it remains latent to be activated later or perhaps never. Usually the younger the telepath the better they are able to cope. Susan couldn't, it overwhelmed her. So to protect herself her mind shutdown."
"Is there...brain damage?" Delenn asked the question quietly, almost hoping that it wouldn't be heard.
Lyta and Stephen looked at each other, wondering how to approach this query. Stephen reluctantly broke the silence, "I don't know. There's no surface brain activity. The only brain activity I can detect is that which is keeping her body alive. I won't know if there's any brain damage and if so, the extent, until she regains consciousness. When that will be, I have no idea."
Sheridan turned his attention to Lyta, "She contacted you. Can you help her?"
"I've tried surface scans, but I can't feel her. She's retreated deep into her mind."
"Can you reach her?"
"I don't know. I can try a deep scan and see if I can reach her I might be able to teach her to build telepathic barriers and lead her back. But Captain, you have to know that a large percentage of telepaths in this situation never recover. They remain in a vegetative state."
"Yes I understand. But we have to give her a chance, however slim it may be," Sheridan's voice was close to breaking.
"I'll try. Don't expect this to be quick. It may take days. If I can reach her at all," Lyta turned to walk back into Susan's room.
"Stephen, can I see her, just for a moment?" Marcus asked the question, but the tone of his voice left Franklin in little doubt that he would see her no matter what the answer. Franklin nodded his assent and watched as Marcus crossed the room.
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No, she didn't want to be here, of all the instances in her life, anywhere but here. She waited, willing, hoping for the darkness to claim her again. But nothing happened.
"Dammit!"
She was stuck at this moment in time, in her past. Or was it her present? She was confused, time was becoming meaningless. Her past, present and future were seeming to merge. She surrendered herself to the idea that she was about to relive the single most painful moment in her life. She watched herself, a young girl, absorbed in a game with her dolls. And she watched, her heart pounding, as her mother walked into the room, sat down and stroked the young Susan's hair.
"Mother..." the words stuck in her throat. Her mother's eyes were dead, yet there was a hint of sadness and what could only be termed relief, contained in them. She was seeing her mother from a different perspective, almost as if for the first time. As a child she had watched as her mother deteriorated due to the sleepers she was forced to take. But being a child, she had never fully appreciated the magnitude of her mother's suffering. Now, as an observer, she was finally beginning to comprehend Sofie's actions.
While Susan knew that her mother had loved her, had even felt it in her mind, she had harboured gnawing doubts. Why if her mother had loved her and Ganya and their father so much, why had she left them?
"Susan, could you please go next door for a while. I've got some things I need to take care of."
Her mother's voice broke Susan out of her reverie. She tried to scream at her younger self not to go, but events occurred exactly as she remembered. The young girl kissed Sofie and left the house. However the present, or was it future, Susan remained. Unconsciously, she followed her mother as she walked out of the room and down the hall into her parent's bedroom. Her mother sat down on the bed and reached over to her dressing table to retrieve a family photo. For what seemed an eternity Sofie just stared at the portrait, absorbing every last detail, committing her family to her heart.
Inexplicably, Susan could feel her mother's emotions, her turmoil at what she was about to do. The experience left Susan raw and exposed. Finally she saw her mother kiss each of her family in the photo and place it beside her. With one hand she picked up a tablet bottle and emptied its contents into her mouth, a glass of water in the other hand completed the act.
Sofie then lay down on the bed, clutching the photo to her chest. Drowsiness began to overtake her and Susan felt her mother beginning to relax and a strange peacefulness settling over her. Susan moved closer to the bed, just in time to hear her mother whisper, "Andrei, Ganya, Susan, I love you. Please forgive me."
Susan felt tears biting at her eyes, as she watched her mother's breathing slow. Then it hit her, something didn't make sense. These weren't her memories, she, was it the past or present Susan, had been, was, next door with their neighbours. Where in the hell were these memories, images from? It was as though she was channelling her mother's memories from beyond the grave. But how was that possible? Maybe, somehow, her mother had placed this scene in her mind before she died, hoping that one day Susan would see the truth?
She heard her mother whispering repeatedly, "Please forgive me. Please forgive me."
Her breathing became increasingly laboured and her voice inaudible. Susan placed one hand over her mother's, stroking her cheek with the other. Then with her voice, mind and soul, she spoke the words that she most needed to say, the words her mother needed to hear, "I forgive you, mother. I love you."
With a last shuddering breath filling the room, Susan could have sworn that she heard and felt in her mind and heart, her mother's final words, "Thank you."
Silence descended, the universe seemed to have stopped breathing, as if in reverence to the newly departed. Only breaking when Susan Ivanova began to cry.
----------------------------------
He had never seen her looking so small, so vulnerable. All the worry, the concerns and responsibilities, had been erased from her face, she looked so like a child. Marcus felt an overwhelming need to protect her from whatever demons had her in their grasp.
Reaching out, he stroked her face, feeling the ice-cold yet clammy skin under his touch. The Minbari believed that when asleep the true face was revealed. And what Marcus saw led him even deeper into his love for her.
"Lennier said that she contacted you."
Lyta walked towards the bed, "Yes. She asked me for help in my dream. Then she collapsed. I went to check on her and found her like this."
"When I was asleep I had the strangest feeling. I felt her brush against me and I turned and just for a split moment I saw her. And then she was gone. But I'll never forget the look in her eyes, she was terrified. I don't know whether that was just a dream or was she trying to contact me?"
"She was projecting her thoughts, looking for anyone who could help her. I'm just glad that she found me, otherwise..." Lyta left the thought unsaid.
"But how could I sense her? I'm not telepathic." Marcus had the look of a little boy battling with a puzzle.
"A strong emotional bond can aid contact even if only one of the two is telepathic."
"But then why me? While we do get on better now than we used to, we're not exactly close. Why not Sheridan? She's closer to him than anyone else."
Lyta smiled, watching the emotions play across Marcus's face. "Maybe there's a bond she isn't aware of. If, when she wakes you should let her know how you feel."
Marcus turned to look at her. "Am I that transparent? If I am, why hasn't she seen it?"
"Marcus, your feelings for her are obvious. Maybe she has seen it but she won't admit it to herself. If you are given a second chance with her, seize it, don't let it go."
Marcus's mouth started to form into a grin. "You hiring yourself out as a relationship counsellor now Miss Alexander?"
Lyta returned the smile but Marcus noticed that it didn't quite reach her eyes.
"If Susan regains consciousness she is going to need all the love and support she can get. She is facing her greatest nightmare, she's managed to keep her latent telepathy secret her entire life. She's going to have to confront what happened to her mother and she's going to be terrified that her life will take the same path."
"I'll be there for her, you don't have to worry about that. If she tries to push me away I'll just push back. I can be just as stubborn and bull-headed as she can." Marcus turned back to Susan, gently moving a lock of hair which had fallen over her eyes. He felt Lyta place her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently, offering support and wordlessly asking him to leave with a touch.
Marcus lent down and placed a light kiss on her lips. With both his voice and heart he whispered, "I love you Susan Ivanova. Come back to me."
He straightened up, turned and glanced at Lyta. He didn't need words, Lyta saw his plea in his eyes. Simply nodding in reply Lyta watched as Marcus walked from the room.
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Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool, her eyes red and sore. Susan was more than a little surprised that she was still beside her mother's body. She had no idea how long she had been there, but she found herself wishing that the velveteen darkness of the neverworld would claim her again. At least there she felt no pain, she felt absolutely nothing. Which would be a blessed relief from feeling so much.
Stretching her legs Susan stood and wandered around the room she remembered so well. Tracing her fingers over her mother's dressing table, memories came rushing back of how she had loved the feel of the wood as a small child. She would sit on her mother's lap in front of the dressing table, her mother brushing her hair while she ran her fingers across the wood. It had been a daily ritual, strengthening the telepathic bond between mother and daughter, allowing Susan to immerse herself in her mother's love. But that bond gradually began to fade as the sleeper treatments took effect. Susan felt a tiny piece of her mother disappear nearly every day, until she was only a pale shadow of her former self. A shell whose inner life dissipated until Sofie was no longer living, only existing.
The sound of a door opening broke the silence, Andrei Ivanov's voice waking Susan from her thoughts. She heard footsteps approaching and within a minute her father entered the bedroom. He approached the bed quietly, obviously thinking her mother asleep. However when he stroked her face realisation dawned. He desperately searched for a pulse, any sign that life was still contained within. Susan could see panic beginning to manifest itself in her father's face as he fought against the undeniable truth. Andrei began to shake Sofie's body, as if by doing so he could restore life to the shell.
"No, Sofie, no. Don't do this to us. No," Andrei's voice was breaking, sobs making his words indistinct. As reality sunk in he clasped the remnants of his wife, friend, lover, to his body. As his emotions spilled out, tears racking his body, he gently rocked Sofie, as if a small child.
Susan could only stare, transfixed at the scene before her, a scene she had not witnessed but that somehow was now part of her memories. She watched her father, remembering him arriving at their neighbours to pick her up. Remembering the devastated look on his face, the lack of life in his eyes. That day she had not only lost her mother. A large part of her father had died with her. And their family had never been the same.
Over the next few years she had begun to grow estranged from her father, and after Ganya's death their relationship had deteriorated even further. Just before he died Andrei had apologised to her, explaining that he had been too wrapped up in his own grief to give her the love and comfort she needed. She had told him that it was all right, there was no need, she had forgiven him. But she still hadn't fully understood, had said it more for her father's benefit, hadn't realised the depth of her father's loss, until now.
She finally realised that he had lost so much of himself when her mother died, that he barely had enough life, enough will, remaining to keep himself going. There just wasn't enough left over for her.
Susan walked slowly over to the bed and sat down next to her father. She put her hand on his shoulder and placed her face against his back. He didn't know she was there but the closeness and the rocking motion comforted her. She closed her eyes, letting the intimacy flow through her, relaxing her body and settling her thoughts.
She finally understood her mother and father's actions, what had led them to their fates. And from understanding, forgiveness and acceptance come, as natural a progression as that from life to death.
The silky tendrils of the abyss stroked at her back and as she felt herself beginning to surrender to that dark place she said her goodbyes. While it had been painful, she was almost grateful that she had been given this chance to view her past from a different perspective. To come to terms with that event that had shaped and affected her life. To fully understand her present and future she had needed to comprehend and accept her past, and to forgive. She knew that she still had a long way to go, a lifetime of experiences to deal with and she didn't know whether she'd be able to cope with them. But she'd taken the first step.
"I love you both and I forgive you," she whispered as the room began to fade into oblivion. As she let herself fall into the darkness she heard a familiar voice, coming from somewhere in the distance, "I love you Susan Ivanova. Come back to me."
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Lyta slowly exhaled the breath she hadn't even realised she'd been holding.
"Calm down, calm down. You need to be calm to help her." Lyta was more than a little concerned at the prospect of performing a deep scan on Susan. Deep scans could be treacherous under the most controlled of circumstances. Descending into the tangled mind of a recently activated telepath was tantamount to suicide, especially for a P5. Lyta hoped that the 'adjustments' she had received at the hands of the Vorlons would help protect her, at least enough for her to reach Susan.
"Are you going to be all right?"
Lyta turned to face a concerned Stephen.
"Because if you aren't, don't do it. I don't need another patient. We can wait to see if Susan comes out of it herself."
"Stephen, I'll be fine, I just have to take it slowly," Lyta paused, "I'm the only chance she's got. If I can't reach her and bring her out..." Lyta let her voice trail off, she couldn't bring herself to say it aloud, just in case she tempted fate. Not that she was a superstitious person but some things were better left unsaid.
"Alright, if you're sure. But I'm going to monitor you closely and if you have any problems I want you to pull out immediately. I know Susan would not want you to risk yourself on her behalf," Stephen's voice was adamant and Lyta realised that he would brook no argument. She simply nodded and stated, "Let's do it."
-------------------------------------------
She passed through a montage of scenes, moments from her life, remaining in each only a short time. The time however was long enough for her to come to understand the meaning, the role, each event had played in her life, where she had come from, where she was and where her future lay. The past, present and future intertwined, one leading to the other, separate, yet each contained within the others.
Her mother's funeral, her brother's death, her growing estrangement from her father, entering Earthforce, her graduation from the Academy.
Her assignment to Io and her first meeting with John Sheridan, the man who would become so much more than just her commanding officer.
Her split from Malcolm when she took the posting to Babylon 5, followed by his allegiance to Homeguard.
Jeff's departure and John's arrival, Michael's shooting.
Her growing feelings for Talia, her confusion over the attraction, that one night they had spent together, it was the safest she had felt in a long time. But the very next day the illusion was shattered by the ultimate of betrayals. The woman she had thought she knew was a traitor, preprogrammed to carry out the Psi Corps bidding. The Talia she had fallen in love with was a front, unknown to anyone, even Talia herself.
She had let her guard down, allowed someone to breach the barriers she had erected around her heart. And she had paid the price once again.
Susan was relieved when this memory faded to be replaced by the next in what seemed to be a never-ending movie.
Marcus's arrival, the declaration of martial law on Earth, the rise of the Night Watch. The secession of Babylon 5 from the Earth Alliance to become independent, followed by the battle for the station against their own.
The kidnapping of Delenn by remnants of the Night Watch, her rescue and the rebirth ceremony. Susan had admitted to Delenn her feelings about Talia. In one way this confession had eased her heart of part of its burden, but in another it had convinced her that the only way to protect herself was to rebuild the barriers even higher.
And then another loss, Jeff went back to the past with Babylon 4. While she was proud of having known the man who became, had been, Valen, she felt a piece of herself torn away as he left.
Just when she imagined that things couldn't get any more complicated all hell broke loose. Skirmishes with the Shadows increased, Stephen was stabbed and nearly died, while Anna Sheridan returned from the dead and Z'ha'dum.
2260 ended with the loss of all her hopes and dreams. John had gone to Z'ha'dum and then disappeared. Readings indicated that the White Star had been destroyed. And she had felt him die. It was as if a shockwave from the destruction of the White Star had travelled across the vast expanse and hit her in the chest. Somehow it had informed her of the passing of her captain and friend. She couldn't explain how she knew or why she had felt it, whether her latent telepathy had enhanced the emotional link she shared with John. All she knew was that he was gone.
A short time later the grief was compounded when Corwin had informed her that Michael's Starfury hadn't returned to the station. Within the space of a few hours she had lost two colleagues, more importantly two close friends.
The next week passed by in a fog, reality replaced by a waking dream. She had operated on auto-pilot, performing the required duties, both John's and her own. The wolf was her constant companion, keeping sleep at bay. It wasn't till she went to Z'ha'dum with Delenn and Lyta that she finally accepted, albeit reluctantly John's death. That their cause had to continue without him. What they were fighting for was more important than any individual. She had the responsibility to ensure that the struggle continued.
Just when she had come to accept her new role, fate had again stepped in. Michael and John were returned to them, both under mysterious circumstances. However the joy of reunion was short-lived. Marcus and she had discovered a Vorlon war fleet in hyperspace, and when theyreturned to the station Lyta had confirmed their fears. The Vorlons were on the move, destroying anything that had been touched by the Shadows.
The next few weeks passed in a blur, preparations made for war, culminating in the First Ones, including the Shadows, Vorlons and Lorien himself, passing beyond the rim. The Shadow War was over and the Third Age of Mankind had begun.
But the battle for Earth and it's colonies was only just beginning. And this war could prove to be more difficult as they were essentially fighting themselves. Cracks were also starting to appear within the Army of Light itself. Since his return Michael hadn't been his old self. He started questioning and fighting John, culminating in his resignation a short time ago.
She'd lost so many dear to her, through death or betrayal. So she'd built up barriers around her heart. Lorien had noticed that her heart and head didn't speak anymore. But even as she raised the walls higher, people still managed to penetrate them, she still got hurt.
What was the point? She was fighting a losing battle. Maybe she should just let herself be swallowed into the swirling mists, surrender to oblivion. At least there she would be insulated from further heartache. Even if she had to relive her past for the rest of eternity they were old wounds. She'd managed to cope with those for years, had been able to bury some, come to terms with others. But she couldn't handle another fresh injury. She just couldn't.
The icy fingers of the twilight were reaching out to her, calling her name. Sanctuary was promised, relief from the pain of life. She felt herself drawn towards the edge, her head surrendering. But her heart resisted.
Her body was frozen just metres from the abyss, as her heart and head battled for control over her life, or death.
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Lyta steeled herself, preparing to descend into madness. Stephen watched her with concern, wanting to prevent her, yet knowing this would probably be Susan's only chance for recovery.
"I mean it Lyta. If there are any problems, pull out. Will you be able to hear me when you're in there?"
Lyta's voice sounded like it was coming from a distance, "Yes, I'll be able to hear you."
"Alright, if Susan's or your condition changes dramatically I'll inform you. You ready?"
"As ready as I can be," Stephen could hear the fear tingeing her voice.
"Good luck," two small words, common in usage, deep in meaning. Stephen turned his attention to the medical monitors.
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The layers of the consciousness, like an onion, were peeled away, as Lyta let her mind descend into another's. She didn't know exactly where Susan would be, all she knew was that it would be deep within.
Claustrophobia and panic began to surface and surge through her, but she pushed the feelings into the background, concentrating her focus and energies on the task ahead. It was dark, mists swirled around her, obscuring her path, but she continued on instinct. At intervals she called out and listened but there was no reply.
"Lyta, it's Stephen," the voice broke the smothering silence, startling Lyta. "I can hear you Stephen, what's wrong?"
"Susan's life signs are failing, the base brain activity is weakening quickly. We're losing her," while Stephen was trying to maintain doctor's decorum, worry and sadness crept into his voice.
"I'll find her Stephen," Lyta managed to convey with more confidence than she actually felt. She continued her search, delving deeper. She called again and again, till finally a voice answered.
"Lyta?"
"Susan, where are you?"
As Lyta called out the mists cleared from around her and she saw Susan standing just metres away. Lyta felt her breath catch in her throat as she saw the grim spectre just a step behind Susan and realised what it meant. She looked into Susan's eyes, saw and felt the confusion, sorrow and fear battling within her. Lyta took a step toward Susan and the beckoning twilight.
"Don't Lyta, please don't come any closer," Susan's voice seemed calm but it was clear that hysteria was only barely being held at bay.
"Please come here Susan, away from the edge," Lyta reached out her hand, offering it in comfort.
"I can't," Susan began to turn to face the abyss.
"Don't do this Susan, you can't do this," Lyta took another step.
"You don't understand Lyta, I've had enough. I can't do this anymore. I've just had enough." Tears welled in Susan's eyes and her voice began to shake.
"Don't give up, not now."
"Why not? What have I got to live for? I'm a telepath, I've illegally served in Earthforce. Psi Corps is going to be after me. I can just see the look on Bester's face when he finds out," Susan was near the edge both emotionally and physically. Lyta realised that the next few minutes were crucial and her words needed to be picked carefully.
"You have so much to live for Susan. What do you think John and Delenn, Stephen, G'Kar, Lennier, even Londo, will do if they lose you? What will I do? We all love you, we're your family, we've lost too much already without losing you as well. And what about Marcus?" Lyta decided to play what she hoped would be her trump card.
"What about Marcus?" Susan sounded confused.
"Susan, you may know everything that goes on on Babylon 5, but you are blind when it comes to yourself. What does he have to do to open your eyes? Hit you over the head with his pike? He's in love with you." Lyta paused, watching emotions flicker over Susan's face.
Susan searched for her voice and all she found was a whisper, "I heard him. I felt him nearby when I was trying to find someone to contact, before I found you."
"I know, he told me."
"But he told me that he had found someone special. I didn't think he meant me. I don't know how I feel..."
"That doesn't matter right now. He's waited this long, he can wait a little longer." Lyta started to feel a little more confident.
"But everything's changed now. I'll have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I saw what my mother went through and what it did to our family and friends. I can't go through that and I can't put you all through that hell. I can't and I won't." Susan's voice had regained its strength and anger was beginning to take control.
"Steady Lyta, steady," Lyta took a deep breath. But just as she was about to reply Stephen's voice broke through the silence.
"Lyta, Susan's brain activity is at a dangerously low level and your brain activity is--"
"Not now Stephen."
"Lyta you need to..."
"Stephen, shut up," Lyta screamed at the emptiness. She turned her full attention back to Susan and her voice caught in her throat. Susan had moved to the edge of the mists and was preparing to surrender herself.
"No, Susan, don't." Lyta struggled to move her body, time seemed to have slowed to a crawl. She saw Susan turn her head and mouth the words "I'm sorry," before stepping through the curtain.
"Susan," Lyta screamed as she sprinted towards her. Reaching, frantically, unable to see through the mists, she found Susan's hand and dragged her back, collapsing on the ground. "Susan, can you hear me? Susan."
Susan's eyes remained closed and Lyta clutched her friend to her, willing her to wake. She was finally rewarded by the stirrings of consciousness. "Susan, are you all right?"
"Why didn't you let me go?" a low voice replied.
"Because we're not ready to lose you." Lyta could feel the sobs beginning to build in Susan, she held her even tighter, "Let it go Susan, let it all go."
Finally after years of imprisonment, the floodgates fully opened, allowing the long suppressed emotions freedom. Sorrow, anger, bewilderment, fear, rage, intermingled with a strange sense of relief as the healing began.
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Marcus walked into Medlab to find a worried Stephen watching Susan and Lyta. "Stephen?"
Stephen slowly turned, anguish and weariness marring his face.
"How are they?" Marcus wasn't certain he wanted the answer.
"They're in trouble. I completely lost Susan's life signs a few minutes ago and nearly lost Lyta's. They're both back now but very weak. Lyta isn't answering me. There's nothing I can do."
Marcus turned his attention to Susan and Lyta. Lyta's face was the study of complete concentration, her hands grasping Susan's. Susan's face was even paler than before, the spectre of death haunting her features. He wanted, needed, to touch her but he was afraid of breaking the telepathic link. "How long do we have to wait?"
Stephen's voice was heavy with emotion as he answered, "I have no idea."
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Lyta stroked Susan's hair as the tears began to subside. What Susan needed now was the comfort of human touch. Words would come later when she was ready to talk. As gently as she could Lyta shifted her weight, trying not to disturb her friend. She had no idea of how much time had passed, she knew that Stephen would be worried. But she didn't want to break the silence at the moment, he would have to wait.
She began to consider her course of action to help Susan build up telepathic barriers and lead her back to consciousness. It wasn't going to be simple and she would need to be beside Susan every step of the way, offering assurance and aid when required. And this was only the beginning of a long road ahead, a road that would force Susan to come face to face with her nightmares and her past.
Susan stirred in her arms and Lyta loosened her hold, gently wiping away the tears as Susan lifted her face.
"It's alright Susan, you're safe," Lyta reassured her with sound and touch, "I just need to let Stephen know, alright?"
Susan nodded as Lyta stroked her cheek. Lyta looked into the distance, "Stephen?"
"I'm here, Lyta. Are you ok?" relief and worry in his voice.
"I'm fine and I have Susan with me. I'm going to lead her back but it may take a while."
"Alright, I'll keep monitoring you both. See you when you get back."
Lyta turned her attention back to Susan. "Are you ready to go back?"
Fear filled Susan's eyes and she shied away from Lyta's touch. "I don't know. I don't think I can."
"Susan, I'm here to help you. I'll teach you how to build barriers to keep your mind insulated and how to control your talents. But if I'm going to help you and if all the people who love you are going to help, you have to let us in. You have to tear down the barriers around your heart."
Susan stood and backed away shaking her head. "No, I won't, I can't. I can't let anybody in, they'll just hurt me again. I won't go through it again, not again. I've had enough."
Not wanting to send her over the edge again Lyta kept her distance. "Susan, while closing your heart may help protect you from the pain, it also means that your heart is closed to everything around you, to happiness, even to the people you love and who love you. And just because you don't allow the pain in, that doesn't mean that it goes away. It's still there, waiting to creep in anyway it can. The only way you can make it disappear is to deal with it, come to terms with it. Only then can you be free of it."
Her voice faltering and her head bowed, Susan spoke, "I saw my mother's death. I held her hand as she died again, I held my father as he rocked my mother's body. I finally understand why she did it and why I lost my father that day as well."
Lyta quietly moved towards her, drawing Susan into the comfort and security of her embrace. "And it isn't as painful now, is it? This is what you need to do. If anybody can, it is you, Susan. You are one of the strongest people I've ever met. You can do it. Let us help."
Lyta kissed Susan gently on the forehead and saw the fight and strength returning in her eyes. "You ready to go home?"
With all the spirit and strength she could muster and with the first smile in what seemed like eternity on her lips, Susan replied, "Yes I am."
Lyta gripped Susan's hands tightly and looked deeply into her eyes. "Let's go then. I'll be here beside you every step of the way. I can help and support you to some extent, but ultimately it's up to you."
"I know. We should get a move on. I wouldn't want C&C to become too complacent in my absence."
Sharing a smile the long journey home began.
------------------------------------------------
Over the next few hours Marcus and Stephen watched as the women's life signs grew gradually stronger. Lyta supported Susan for the entire journey, stopping at each level of the subconscious to teach her how to build on the telepathic barriers. Set backs were few and Lyta was very proud of Susan's progress and the fight and spirit she displayed.
Finally they arrived at the last level before consciousness. Lyta showed Susan how to put the final telepathic barrier in place. "This is it. We'll take this step very slowly. You should then just wake up. All right?" Lyta held Susan's hands.
Susan nodded as fear began to return to her eyes and voice, "All right."
"It's going to be fine Susan. There's nothing to fear. I'm here beside you. If you fall I will catch you."
"I know you will. Now, before I chicken out."
"Now."
Susan suddenly felt constrained and for a moment panicked before realising that it was her body. Thoughts and feelings battered at the walls around her mind but they remained outside. Sounds of people rejoicing assailed her ears and then Lyta's soft voice, "You're back Susan. Everything's all right. You did it."
She felt hands grip hers, one soft, she had come to recognise as Lyta's. The other was callused, a little rough but warm and held her with such tenderness. Tentatively she opened her eyes, the brightness stunning her for just a moment as she adjusted. Lyta was on her left, looking tired but relieved. "The telepathic barriers are holding?"
Susan nodded as Lyta reached out and stroked her cheek. "Good. I will teach you more when you recover but they should hold for now."
Susan looked around the room, finding Stephen, John, Delenn and Lennier. And to her right sat the owner of the tender hand. Tears shone in Marcus's eyes and for just a moment his feelings of happiness and relief were tangible in her mind.
The spell was broken as John came over to her and gathered her into his arms for a hug. She felt a cocoon of safety begin to form around her, produced by the people who loved her.
"Welcome back, Susan." John released her just enough to place a kiss on her forehead.
"I'm glad to be back," and Susan suddenly realised it was true. She was back where she belonged, where she was loved and she could love in return.
Stephen decided to bring some order back to Medlab. "Come on, that's enough for now. I need to give my patient a check-up and then she needs some rest."
"All right, Stephen." John laughed as he finally let her go. Slowly they all left the room, Susan following her friends, her family, with her eyes. Stephen came over to her and started his examination.
"How are you really feeling, Susan?"
Susan laid her hand on Stephen's. "Fine, Stephen, I'm fine. A little tired but... I don't know. It's strange, hard to put into words. I feel more alive than I've felt in years."
"Well, Commander, I am giving you a clean bill of health physically. But you need rest and I'm keeping you here till at least tomorrow."
Susan started to protest but Stephen cut her off, "No arguments. Doctor's orders, I outrank you on this. However I'm more than a little worried about your mental and emotional state. Your telepathic development has been very sudden and traumatic."
"You aren't telling me anything I don't know, Stephen. But I can cope. Lyta is going to continue to teach me how to manage it. And I have so many friends here who will help me through the difficult times."
"Yes, we're here for you."
"You know, for the first time in years, actually probably my entire life, I feel comfortable with who I am and where I am. I relived my past and I finally understand it, I can accept what happened and how it led me to where I am now. And as for my telepathy, this was always my greatest fear, my living nightmare. But I've survived it, I'm still here."
Stephen smiled. "You certainly are. Now, enough revelations for today, you need your sleep. And that's an order."
"Yes, Doctor."
Stephen brushed her hair away from her face, "We're glad you're back," and walked from the room.
Susan started to settle down but heard low voices just outside the door. Moments later a familiar figure entered and came over beside the bed.
"Marcus. What are you doing in here?"
"I talked Stephen into letting me see you."
"How did you do that?"
Marcus gently lowered himself onto the edge of the bed. "I threatened to sing. Though Stephen did say that if I'm not out in 5 minutes he'll remove my vocal cords with my Ranger pin."
Susan returned his smile as he leaned over to gently trace the outline of her lips. She reached up and held his hand to her cheek.
"I thought I had lost you, love, before I could tell you..." Marcus's voice was near to breaking.
"Marcus, I heard you and I felt you. But I don't know how I feel. I've got so much to deal with at the moment. The telepathy, old ghosts..."
Marcus interrupted, "I never meant to push you Susan. That was the last thing on my mind. I don't want this to affect our friendship. That's more important to me than anything. And if that's all you ever feel for me, that's enough. All I ask is that you consider the possibility of us," and then with a gleam in his eyes, "I am but a simple man with simple needs."
Susan gave him a playful whack on the arm, "You are anything but a simple man, Marcus Cole. I will think about the possibility of," Susan paused, "us. And don't worry about our friendship. While you drive me up the wall most of the time," Marcus's feigned look of hurt amused Susan, "I can't imagine my life without you in it."
"As I can't imagine mine."
They sat in silence for several moments, looking at each other, hands joined. Susan reluctantly broke the calm.
"You'd better get going before Stephen carries out his threat."
"I thought you'd be happy about it. You've often complained about my talking and told me to shut up."
"Well that's true. But I think you'd be even more bloody annoying as a mime."
Laughter sounded throughout the room. Marcus leant down and placed a kiss on her forehead. Then as he lost himself in the deep grey fathoms of her eyes he moved down her face. A kiss on the tip of her nose, on both cheeks and then his final destination.
He paused, unsure, until he saw her granted assent. Trembling he lowered his lips to hers, his touch as gentle and light as the brush of a feather. Emboldened he returned as she responded, each exploring the other, lips caressing. Susan felt his thoughts slip into her mind, as effortlessly as his tongue slipped into her mouth. Emotions she had shut out for so long coursed through her, smashing against the fort surrounding her heart, destroying it piece by piece.
The kiss drew to an end as they separated, both gasping for breath. Each looked into the other's eyes and through to the soul. Spoken words were not required. Gently Marcus extracted himself from her embrace and with a silent gesture, not wishing to break the moment, left the room.
Susan settled back down onto the bed. It had been a strange day to say the least. But she felt more alive than she had in years. While there was still a long way to go, she had finally begun to confront and come to terms with her past and present. She had reached the final stage of the grieving process, acceptance. Her greatest fear had confronted her and she had survived it. The telepathy could be managed.
She could now move on to the future, unburdened by the shackles of the past. A future surrounded by the friends who loved her. A future that might possibly contain something more with a certain Ranger. A future she would be able to experience with her heart, mind and soul connected.
As she drifted off to sleep, just for a split second she caught sight of a group of people standing around her bed. Smiles were on the faces of the four as they gazed down at her, the love evident in their eyes. Sofie, Andrei, Ganya, Talia, all so important in her life.
Slowly they began to fade as she descended into sleep. Her mother's voice broke through the silence, "Suzutchka. How much we all love you. But it is time to let us go, let us rest. Don't be afraid to live your life and listen to your heart. We will see you again."
A peacefulness settled over Susan as she silently whispered, "I love you all too. I'll never forget you, you're here in my heart, as you have always been. Goodbye."
With that one final word she lay the ghosts of her past to rest and embraced her future, one full of uncertainties, problems, love, hope, and most of all, life.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 12:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 12:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 07:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 08:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 09:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 08:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 01:46 pm (UTC)I like this.
For a first fanfic? Awesome.. and I can see how much you've grown from here.
Thank you for sharing this with us... Loved it.
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 06:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 08:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-24 08:38 pm (UTC)Though I cringe particularly at Susan's dialogue towards the end. Talk about exposition fairy.
It shocked me, nearly 10000 words for a first effort, just grew and grew.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-25 07:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-29 12:04 am (UTC)I have gone on to write more, mainly in West Wing. Too far out of B5 now.