krazykitkat (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
krazykitkat) wrote2005-10-30 02:56 pm
krazykitkat) wrote2005-10-30 02:56 pm
Entry tags:
Elements of Me
I wrote this in 1999, partly as a response to the loss of the last of my grandparents. I don't know whether it's good writing or not, but it's very personal.
Elements of Me
As I approach the end of my life, preparing myself to accept death's sweet caress, I find myself wandering the annals of my life. Smells, tastes, sensations, sounds, pictures, surround me, each competing for my attention, each wishing to be remembered. Moments in time, events that defined me, incidents that sculptured my life. Who I am, what I have done, where I have been, all have merged to create the person I've become.
The earliest recollections of childhood are faint, tenuous, often brought back with surprising clarity by a smell or a taste. A parent's soothing voice and hands, dispelling the monsters under the bed, healing a graze with a kiss. A favourite toy, bedraggled from too much love, urgently requiring an overhaul from an industrious grandmother. The unmistakable smell of a spanking new school suitcase, packed with precision, its owner breathless with excitement. A yellow plastic raincoat sticking to the skin during a summer storm, the child, enclosed within, reaching boiling point. The joy of birthdays and presents, anticipation of the nearing Christmas. The smooth feel of the wood of mother's dressing table traced under small fingers. The soft fur of a much loved rabbit brushing against a cheek. Giddiness as friends swirl and twirl around each other. The heartbreak of a child as the reality of betrayal dawns.
As childhood begins to slip away from my hold, the difficult formative years confront me. Still a child yet undergoing the strange metamorphosis into adulthood. Struggling to understand the developing body, beguiled by newly activated hormones. Attempting to find my place within a society that I cannot understand and feel outcast from. Seeking true friendships and too often only finding the fair-weather. Choosing the path that my life may follow if all goes according to the plan hatched in ignorance. The sudden realisation of a destiny that will shape the rest of my life. The first meeting with a soul mate who will be there through the good and the bad. The burgeoning sense of self, of responsibility, of what life really is.
Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, confused thoughts as romantic attraction intrudes with no sense of decorum. Falling in and out of love, arguments, testing the boundaries of relationships and finding out that they do break. Careers, work, deadlines, mortgages, debt, marriage, trying to juggle all the balls without dropping any. And paying for it when one breaks. Decisions that have impacts on lives other than your own. The most significant decision of all, to bring another life into the world. Fear, swollen ankles, excitement, leaky bladder, dread, all culminating nine months later in a miniature person. A person totally reliant on you for all its needs to be met. A face that lights up in joy when you come into sight, where the discovery that feet are actually attached to the body is a major event. Sleepless nights, worry, as the new role of mother is embraced with hesitation.
Milestones in the children's lives, first words, first teeth, crawling, walking, running. Fevers, colds, ear infections, teething, worry over broken limbs. Watching them grow and discover, finding out who they are, their place in the great scheme. Ageing with the man who is my other half, moving into new phases of our life as our children leave home and embark on their own lives. Grief at the death of parents who we thought would always be here. Joy as our children have children of their own, the role of grandparent seized with fervour. The world changing around us, trouble understanding how to program the new video, bones starting to creak and eye sight diminishing. Loss of siblings, friends, and most heartbreakingly, my husband. Learning to live alone and preparing for my own end. And now saying goodbye to all I love.
The smallest events that can make a day memorable: the sweet, tangible smell of rain hitting the dry ground. A gentle breeze flowing over a sweaty body on a hot day. The smooth, yet gritty, feel of sand squishing between the toes. Dawn, dusk, full moon; lying on the soft grass, staring at the clouds drifting across an azure sky. The raucous call of the currawongs warning of an approaching storm. The stickiness of a spider's web you have blundered into; the annoying persistence of an errant mosquito. The gaudy colours of a parrot; the rustling of leaves in the canopy.
A lover's touch that sends rapture surging through every fibre of the body. The adoring arms of a small child encircling your neck, choking you, but you don't mind. The familiar strains of the Nutcracker; following the yellow brick road with Dorothy; losing yourself on the windswept moors of Jane Eyre; the lyrical majesty of Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience. Emotions experienced: fear, love, despair, joy, loss, laughter, tears, surprise, anger, merriment, worry, satisfaction, grief. Each frame that combines to produce a person and a life.
Throughout the years I have heard people ask "What does one individual mean in the vast canvas that is the world? How can one person's life make a difference?" It has taken me years of experience to find the answer to this, to realise that no life is ordinary. Each is distinct, special, extraordinary. And each makes a difference, however small that may be, each is significant. Just as the beat of the wings of a butterfly in the Amazon may spawn a typhoon near Japan, your smallest gesture can have a cascade effect. A smile can brighten a stranger's day, a kind word can soothe a broken heart, a disagreement can change the course of history. Every moment, every heartbeat and breath, all of which merge together to form a life and define who we are.
Who am I? I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, a wife, a mother and so much more that cannot be put into words. I am more than just a sum of my individual parts, I cannot be broken down into categories on a form, I do not fit neatly into little boxes. There is no one else who has laughed the same laughs, cried the same tears, felt the same emotions. I am me, unique. And now I must depart from this world, so another unique mortal may come into it. And so it has been and will be for eternity. Just as the stars are born, live and die, so must those who are made of stardust. We are made of the same elements that once burnt in the stars and through death we return to the endless cycle, to become part of the cosmos. Perhaps to be drawn into a newly formed sun, or to rain down on a mountain on a distant planet. Maybe to be reborn as a insect, or possibly as another human. Whatever may occur it will be unique, distinct from who I am now. Because that is the beauty of life, we are ultimately all one of a kind.
Elements of Me
As I approach the end of my life, preparing myself to accept death's sweet caress, I find myself wandering the annals of my life. Smells, tastes, sensations, sounds, pictures, surround me, each competing for my attention, each wishing to be remembered. Moments in time, events that defined me, incidents that sculptured my life. Who I am, what I have done, where I have been, all have merged to create the person I've become.
The earliest recollections of childhood are faint, tenuous, often brought back with surprising clarity by a smell or a taste. A parent's soothing voice and hands, dispelling the monsters under the bed, healing a graze with a kiss. A favourite toy, bedraggled from too much love, urgently requiring an overhaul from an industrious grandmother. The unmistakable smell of a spanking new school suitcase, packed with precision, its owner breathless with excitement. A yellow plastic raincoat sticking to the skin during a summer storm, the child, enclosed within, reaching boiling point. The joy of birthdays and presents, anticipation of the nearing Christmas. The smooth feel of the wood of mother's dressing table traced under small fingers. The soft fur of a much loved rabbit brushing against a cheek. Giddiness as friends swirl and twirl around each other. The heartbreak of a child as the reality of betrayal dawns.
As childhood begins to slip away from my hold, the difficult formative years confront me. Still a child yet undergoing the strange metamorphosis into adulthood. Struggling to understand the developing body, beguiled by newly activated hormones. Attempting to find my place within a society that I cannot understand and feel outcast from. Seeking true friendships and too often only finding the fair-weather. Choosing the path that my life may follow if all goes according to the plan hatched in ignorance. The sudden realisation of a destiny that will shape the rest of my life. The first meeting with a soul mate who will be there through the good and the bad. The burgeoning sense of self, of responsibility, of what life really is.
Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, confused thoughts as romantic attraction intrudes with no sense of decorum. Falling in and out of love, arguments, testing the boundaries of relationships and finding out that they do break. Careers, work, deadlines, mortgages, debt, marriage, trying to juggle all the balls without dropping any. And paying for it when one breaks. Decisions that have impacts on lives other than your own. The most significant decision of all, to bring another life into the world. Fear, swollen ankles, excitement, leaky bladder, dread, all culminating nine months later in a miniature person. A person totally reliant on you for all its needs to be met. A face that lights up in joy when you come into sight, where the discovery that feet are actually attached to the body is a major event. Sleepless nights, worry, as the new role of mother is embraced with hesitation.
Milestones in the children's lives, first words, first teeth, crawling, walking, running. Fevers, colds, ear infections, teething, worry over broken limbs. Watching them grow and discover, finding out who they are, their place in the great scheme. Ageing with the man who is my other half, moving into new phases of our life as our children leave home and embark on their own lives. Grief at the death of parents who we thought would always be here. Joy as our children have children of their own, the role of grandparent seized with fervour. The world changing around us, trouble understanding how to program the new video, bones starting to creak and eye sight diminishing. Loss of siblings, friends, and most heartbreakingly, my husband. Learning to live alone and preparing for my own end. And now saying goodbye to all I love.
The smallest events that can make a day memorable: the sweet, tangible smell of rain hitting the dry ground. A gentle breeze flowing over a sweaty body on a hot day. The smooth, yet gritty, feel of sand squishing between the toes. Dawn, dusk, full moon; lying on the soft grass, staring at the clouds drifting across an azure sky. The raucous call of the currawongs warning of an approaching storm. The stickiness of a spider's web you have blundered into; the annoying persistence of an errant mosquito. The gaudy colours of a parrot; the rustling of leaves in the canopy.
A lover's touch that sends rapture surging through every fibre of the body. The adoring arms of a small child encircling your neck, choking you, but you don't mind. The familiar strains of the Nutcracker; following the yellow brick road with Dorothy; losing yourself on the windswept moors of Jane Eyre; the lyrical majesty of Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience. Emotions experienced: fear, love, despair, joy, loss, laughter, tears, surprise, anger, merriment, worry, satisfaction, grief. Each frame that combines to produce a person and a life.
Throughout the years I have heard people ask "What does one individual mean in the vast canvas that is the world? How can one person's life make a difference?" It has taken me years of experience to find the answer to this, to realise that no life is ordinary. Each is distinct, special, extraordinary. And each makes a difference, however small that may be, each is significant. Just as the beat of the wings of a butterfly in the Amazon may spawn a typhoon near Japan, your smallest gesture can have a cascade effect. A smile can brighten a stranger's day, a kind word can soothe a broken heart, a disagreement can change the course of history. Every moment, every heartbeat and breath, all of which merge together to form a life and define who we are.
Who am I? I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover, a wife, a mother and so much more that cannot be put into words. I am more than just a sum of my individual parts, I cannot be broken down into categories on a form, I do not fit neatly into little boxes. There is no one else who has laughed the same laughs, cried the same tears, felt the same emotions. I am me, unique. And now I must depart from this world, so another unique mortal may come into it. And so it has been and will be for eternity. Just as the stars are born, live and die, so must those who are made of stardust. We are made of the same elements that once burnt in the stars and through death we return to the endless cycle, to become part of the cosmos. Perhaps to be drawn into a newly formed sun, or to rain down on a mountain on a distant planet. Maybe to be reborn as a insect, or possibly as another human. Whatever may occur it will be unique, distinct from who I am now. Because that is the beauty of life, we are ultimately all one of a kind.